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There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays? v.28

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays? v. 28
Nowadays, contemporary lifestyle and advancement in technology have triggered the popularity of international music. Traditional music, on the other hand, is the symbol of tradition, values and history of a society. Although both of them are important for people, I believe that more emphasis should be given to the traditional music as identity, unique tradition and culture of a nation will be lost without promoting traditional music. Evidently, music is a form of communication and prayer. In many communities and religions, music is still used to eulogise the God. Our ancestors devoted songs to praise the Almighty as a mean to deliver thanks and pray for their needs. For example, Japanese people celebrate the wedding ceremonies with traditional songs that convey their thanks and appeals to the God. Moreover, musicians use music for communicating with other people. They reveal their emotions through poetic and harmonious lyrics which are expressed in beautiful melody in order to pass their emotions and messages. The message contained in a song is often believed by many and is accepted by the society as it inspires people. Music touches our heart, cures our wounds, and gives us motivation. Recently, due to globalisation, easy access to foreign TV & radio stations and widespread use of the internet, international music has become quite common.   International music is pretty entertaining, has a great variety and represents the contemporary issues. However, they are often fleeting and have less importance in many cultures. For instance, rap or rock songs might attract a lot of teenagers but they do not represent the true identity of many cultures. There are inevitable requirements of traditional music to express the true joys and traditions. Traditional music is regarded as the remarkable legacy from our ancestors.   Since traditional music reflects the genuine emotion and represents the tradition and way of life, they have more importance in our culture and society. To sum up, international and traditional music both have important roles in communicating, healing and entertaining people, but in my opinion, traditional music is more pivotal to keep and represent the genuine values of a society. Therefore, no matter how much we enjoy international music, we should foster the traditional music as much as possible.
Nowadays, contemporary lifestyle and advancement in technology have triggered the popularity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
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Traditional
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music
,
on the other hand
, is the symbol of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tradition
, values and history of a society. Although both of them are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
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people
, I believe that more emphasis should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as identity, unique
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tradition
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
of a nation will
be lost
without promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
music.

Evidently
,
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music
is a form of communication and prayer. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
communities and religions,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'eulogise' is British English.
eulogise
the God. Our ancestors devoted songs to praise the Almighty as a mean to deliver thanks and pray for their needs.
For example
, Japanese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
celebrate the wedding ceremonies with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
songs that convey their thanks and appeals to the God.
Moreover
, musicians
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
for communicating with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. They reveal their emotions through poetic and harmonious lyrics which
are expressed
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
melody in order to pass their emotions and messages. The message contained in a song is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
believed by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
and is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
by the society as it inspires
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
touches our heart, cures our wounds, and gives us motivation.

Recently, due to
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalisation' is British English.
globalisation
, easy access to foreign TV & radio stations and widespread
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of the internet,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has become quite common.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
International
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is pretty entertaining, has a great variety and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
represents
the contemporary issues.
However
, they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
fleeting and have less importance in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
.
For instance
, rap or rock songs might attract
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they do not
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represent
the true identity of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
. There are inevitable requirements of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
to express the true joys and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditions
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is regarded
as the remarkable legacy from our ancestors.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
reflects the genuine emotion and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
represents
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tradition
and way of life, they have more importance in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and society.

To sum up,
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international
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
both have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
roles in communicating, healing and entertaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is more pivotal to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
represent
the genuine values of a society.
Therefore
, no matter how much we enjoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, we should foster the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as much as possible.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
48Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays? v. 28

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
371 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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