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There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heared everywhere nowadays? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant ex v.16

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heared everywhere nowadays? 16
In our life, we usually have different specific images with each gender. However, I do not believe these images should be considered at job promotions. In this essay, I will explain why males or females should never be excluded from specific professions based on their gender. First, this is not good for job qualities. Because each job requires specific skills, we cannot hire people based on gender. For example, as a presales, the person must have high communication skill, and in real life we can have a man or a woman who can achieve this requirement. I think we should focus on individuals’ strengths and weaknesses rather than gender stereotypes. Second, if we start to exclude males or females just because of their gender, then this would affect negatively on our society. This can cause unfairness between people. For instance, for a mother and a son family, it would be really offensive if we exclude the mother from a specific from a specific job just because of the gender. This would not only effect on the mother negatively, but it would effect on the son negatively as well. This can make some people to feel injustice. In conclusion, this essay discussed why we should never consider the gender with certain professions. As mentioned, this can effect on the job qualities, and it can cause injustice in our society. As a result, I believe strongly that males or females have to be considered same when it comes to all kind of job promotions.
In our life, we
usually
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
specific
images with each gender.
However
, I do not believe these images should
be considered
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
promotions. In this essay, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why males or females should never
be excluded
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
specific
professions based on their gender.

First
, this is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
qualities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
requires
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
specific
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, we cannot hire
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
based on gender.
For example
, as
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a presale" or simply "presales"?
a presales
, the person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have high communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
, and in real life we can have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
or a woman who can achieve this requirement. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
we should focus on individuals’ strengths and weaknesses
rather
than gender stereotypes.

Second, if we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to exclude males or females
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their gender, then this would affect
negatively
on our society. This can cause unfairness between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
For instance
, for a mother and a son family, it would be
really
offensive if we exclude the mother from a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
specific
from a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the gender. This would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
Did you mean "affect"?
effect
on the mother
negatively
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it would
Did you mean "affect"?
effect
on the son
negatively
as well
. This can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to feel injustice.

In conclusion
, this essay discussed why we should never consider the gender with certain professions. As mentioned, this can effect on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
qualities, and it can cause injustice in our society.
As a result
, I believe
strongly
that males or females
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be considered
same when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to all kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
promotions.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heared everywhere nowadays? 16

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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