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The sport industry is always in the spotlight ,

The sport industry is always in the spotlight, eER5W
The sport industry is always in the spotlight, and the importance of sport is a thorny issue. some people adhere to that this can exert positive impact on society while others claim that sport only serves leisure purpose. My essay is going to shed light on both side of the issue and then present my personal view. On one the hand, it is understandable why quite a few people view sport as only a pastime. In spite of having amount of merits, many adults too concentrate on the other factors in their live without knowing about the values. They spend a large proportion of their time working and earning money, they may thing that playing sport consumes too much time which can be better used for work. Furthermore, with the lack of necessary attributes and innate talents in sport, they may feel depressed and uncomfortable when doing physical exercise. In addition, due to the fact that we are living in modern world, there are amount of entertainment activities in the Internet preventing people from accessing physical exercises. Take my bother as a telling example, although he spends hours playing games and surfing web, he seldom does any exercises. On the other hand, I m totally in sync with people who consider sport to be a dominant factor in developed society. Firstly, sport can play a vital role in our health. Obviously, doing exercise improves physical heath, prevents illness and increases life-expectancy, especially boosting mental health resulting effectiveness performance in working. According to scientific studies, people without doing exercise will more suffer decreasing life-expectancy at least three times than the one who playing sport. Secondly, sport industry generates tremendous profit through sport event. For example, by dint of recognizing Olympics Games, Japan had reaped 100 million dollars and enticed a large of tourists from all walks of life after the event finished. Moreover, the international sport events provide opportunities to establish peace and enhance the diplomatic relationship between countries. In a nutshell, many disregard the position of sport whereas I cling to that sport is of much more benefits in health, commerce and society
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
industry is always in the spotlight, and the importance of

sport is a thorny issue.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
adhere to that this can exert
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive


impact on society while others claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
serves leisure

purpose. My essay is going to shed light on both side of the issue and

then present my personal view.

On one the hand, it is understandable why quite a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
view sport

as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a pastime.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
having amount of merits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
adults too

concentrate on the other factors in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
without knowing about the

values. They spend a large proportion of their time working and earning

money, they may
Did you mean the verb "think"?
thing
that playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
consumes too much time

which can be better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for work.
Furthermore
, with the lack of

necessary attributes and innate talents in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
, they may feel depressed

and uncomfortable when doing physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
.
In addition
, due to the

fact that we are living in modern world, there are
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "amounts"?
amount
of

entertainment activities
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the Internet".
in the Internet
preventing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from accessing

physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
. Take my bother as a telling example, although he

spends hours playing games and surfing web, he seldom does any

exercises.

On the other hand
, I m
totally
in sync with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
to

be a dominant factor in developed society.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
can play a vital

role in our health.
Obviously
, doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
physical heath,

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
illness and increases life-expectancy,
especially
boosting mental

health resulting effectiveness performance in working. According to

scientific studies,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
without doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
will more suffer

decreasing life-expectancy at least three times than the one who playing

sport.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
industry generates tremendous profit through

sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
.
For example
, by dint of recognizing Olympics Games,

Japan had reaped 100 million dollars and enticed a large of tourists from

all walks of life after the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
finished.
Moreover
, the international

sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
provide opportunities to establish peace and enhance the

diplomatic relationship between countries.

In a nutshell,
Possible agreement error. The noun disregard seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much disregard", "a good deal of disregard".
many disregard
the position of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
whereas I cling to that

sport is of much more benefits in health, commerce and society
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IELTS essay The sport industry is always in the spotlight,

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
352 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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