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The proportion of elderly people in some societies is increasing rapidly.Do you think the negative effect of such trend outweigh the positive effect?

The proportion of elderly people in some societies is increasing rapidly. Do you think the negative effect of such trend outweigh the positive effect? jR88a
These days, the percentage of older people is rising rapidly in some countries. In my opinion, the negative effects of this trend outweigh the positive effects, and in this essay, I will explain why. On one hand, the ageing population makes beneficial contributions to their communities, because a number of the elderly engages in voluntary work after retirement. In fact, values nurtured by voluntary work, such as solidarity, reciprocity, mutual trust, belonging and empowerment, contribute significantly to the well-being of the citizens and communities. For example, some volunteer programs assign older volunteers who serve as efficient tutors by making use of their experience to low-performing schools, which helps to connect them with others, develop children`s academic outcomes, and improve school functioning, all of which are essential for the individual and community well-being. On the other hand, an increasing number of the elderly places a greater burden on the health care system, because the elderly generally experience chronic diseases, such as cancer, diabetes, and cardiovascular diseases. Specifically, as the elderly, who are treated for chronic diseases that are rarely cured completely, account for a greater percentage of the population, a huge amount of health care provision and expenditure in hospitals is spent on those people, which causes health care costs to increase. What is more, the higher percentage of older people and declining fertility rate cause the workforce to decrease, which results in wage inflation that leads to a rise in the cost of living. In conclusion, as we have seen, the higher percentage of the elderly have both positive and negative effects. However, it has negative effects on a broader range of areas, from the health care system to the economy, so I believe that the negative effects of this trend outweigh the positive effects.
These days, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
is rising
rapidly
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries. In my opinion, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effects of this trend outweigh the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects, and in this essay, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why.

On one hand, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
population
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
beneficial contributions to their communities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a number of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
engages in voluntary work after retirement. In fact, values nurtured by voluntary work, such as solidarity, reciprocity, mutual trust, belonging and empowerment, contribute
significantly
to the well-being of the citizens and communities.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
volunteer programs assign older volunteers who serve as efficient tutors by making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of their experience to low-performing schools, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to connect them with others, develop
The character between 'children' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "children’s" (curly apostrophe) or "children's" (straight apostrophe).
children`s
academic outcomes, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
school functioning, all of which are essential for the individual and community well-being.

On the other hand
, an increasing number of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
places a greater burden on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
system,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
generally
experience chronic diseases, such as cancer, diabetes, and cardiovascular diseases.
Specifically
, as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
, who
are treated
for chronic diseases that are rarely cured completely, account for a greater
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of the population, a huge amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
provision and expenditure in hospitals
is spent
on those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, which causes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
costs to increase.
What is more
, the higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and declining fertility rate cause the workforce to decrease, which results in wage inflation that leads to a rise in the cost of living.

In conclusion
, as we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
, the higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
have both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effects.
However
, it has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effects on a broader range of areas, from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
system to the economy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effects of this trend outweigh the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects.
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IELTS essay The proportion of elderly people in some societies is increasing rapidly. Do you think the negative effect of such trend outweigh the positive effect?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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