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The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? 0Ynl
International Cyber corporations keep the personal information of people around the world. I opine that the drawbacks of fetching the people's private details by the internet companies are far greater than its benefits which I will discuss in the upcoming paragraphs. To begin with, holding the personal information is a major threat to the privacy of individuals. People like to keep private data like pictures and other information on certain websites as they do not want to share those with someone. It is an immoral practice of the cyber organisations to take store such information without individual's concern. Moreover, fetching financial information regarding people's bank accounts might also create security problems, if it gets into the wrong hands. In these modern times, money transfer so fast that just in a click astronomical sum of money can be transferred within seconds, all a hacker need is transferring account details. Therefore, personal data of the people kept by the international cyber companies is not safe for the individuals. However, keeping such information by cyber organizations might also provide some benefits to the society. Sometimes investigation departments approach these organizations to solve a mystery case. Not only does the information provided help the officers to get details about the criminal, but sometimes it proves to be helpful to track his location also. In conclusion, despite of the few advantages like helping police to solve a case, merits of holding private data by internet companies is no match for its demerits as it creates privacy as well as financial concerns.
International
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Cyber
corporations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around the world. I opine that the drawbacks of fetching the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
by the internet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are far greater than its benefits which I will discuss in the upcoming paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, holding the personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is a major threat to the privacy of individuals.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
private data like pictures and other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
on certain websites as they do not want to share those with someone. It is an immoral practice of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cyber
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
to take store such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
without individual's concern.
Moreover
, fetching financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
regarding
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's bank accounts might
also
create security problems, if it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
into the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
hands. In these modern times, money transfer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
in a click astronomical sum of money can
be transferred
within seconds, all a hacker need is transferring account
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
.
Therefore
, personal data of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
by the international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cyber
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
is not safe for the individuals.

However
, keeping such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cyber
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organization' and 'organisation') within a single text.
organizations
might
also
provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits to the society.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
investigation departments approach these
Do not mix variants of the same word ('organization' and 'organisation') within a single text.
organizations
to solve a mystery case. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
provided
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the officers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
about the criminal,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
it proves to be helpful to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
his location
also
.

In conclusion
,
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
the few advantages like helping police to solve a case, merits of holding private data by internet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
is no match for its demerits as it creates privacy
as well
as financial concerns.
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IELTS essay The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
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    One main idea per paragraph
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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