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The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last 10 years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last 10 years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend AjLoM
Nowadays, a numerous of people from all over the world tend to shop from large centres and malls, due to that, small local shops could not develop their business in the market, for this reason, they ended up by closure. As far as I am concerned, I think that this is a positive development for many reasons. Modernisation has developed many affairs in the society and one of them is the existence of large shopping centres and malls. These latest aimes to make it easier for the customer to shop in an efficient and effective way, usually teenagers and adults prefer to buy from famous brand for the quality for their products. for this reason, they are usually gathered together in an outlet to give the client the large choice to decide from which shore they can shop and this is, in my opinion one of the merits of shopping in large centres. In addition to that, shores in malls get a monthly supervision from authorities to supervise the norms of quality and property provided, if any discrepancy has been noticed, they can be banned for selling, whereas, in small local shops, you can find inappropriate products which are detrimental for people’s health for many reasons. Not only this but also, the inexsitence of some products that may people use, as they don’t have much space you can not shop everything at once from one area. Furthermore, In large malls there are some leisure activities that are usually provided for consumers to spend a significant time around shops, In addition to that, The mall provides parking which is supervised by a security camera in order to encourage the clients to come over and avoid any danger than can be cause to their car. To conclude, large malls have been for a good help for citizens in many aspects and I think it’s a totally positive development for the society since it makes them save time and money with a guaranteed satisfaction at the same time.
Nowadays,
The phrase 'a numerous of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'a' and 'of'.
a numerous of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from all over the world tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
, due to that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
could not develop their business in the market,
for this reason
, they ended up by closure. As far as I
am concerned
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons.

Possible spelling mistake. 'Modernisation' is British English.
Modernisation
has developed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
affairs in the society and one of them is the existence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
. These latest
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "aims", the plural form of the noun 'aim'?
aimes
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it easier for the customer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
in an efficient and effective way,
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and adults prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
brand for the quality for their products.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
for
this reason, they are
usually
gathered together in an outlet to give the client the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
choice to decide from which shore they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
and this is, in my opinion one of the merits of shopping in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
.
In addition
to that, shores in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a monthly supervision from authorities to supervise the norms of quality and property provided, if any discrepancy has
been noticed
, they can
be banned
for selling, whereas, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
, you can find inappropriate products which are detrimental for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s health for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
inexsitence
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
products that may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
, as they don’t have much space you can not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shop
everything at once from one area.

Furthermore
, In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
leisure activities that are
usually
provided for consumers to spend a significant time around
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shops
,
In addition
to that, The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mall
provides parking which
is supervised
by a security camera in order to encourage the clients to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
over and avoid any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
than can
Did you mean "because"?
be cause
to their car.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
have been for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
for citizens in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it’s a
totally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development for the society since it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them save time and money with a guaranteed satisfaction at the same time.
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IELTS essay The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last 10 years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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