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The following is a memo from the superintendent of the Mylar school district."A recent six-month study, in which breakfast was made available at school for 100 schoolchildren ages five to twelve, found that children on the breakfast plan were less likely

The following is a memo from the superintendent of the Mylar school district. " A recent six-month study, in which breakfast was made available at school for 100 schoolchildren ages five to twelve, found that children on the breakfast plan were less likely aw8Rw
In this memo, the superintendent of the Mylar school district recommends that all Mylar's elementary and secondary schools should have breakfasts plan for student to improve academic performance. To support this recommendation he points out a study examined among students which has shown students who have had breakfasts plan were less absent from or late for school than other students. He also cites that eating a healthful breakfast regularly will help the students perform their educational affairs better. Careful scrutiny to these evidence, reveals that it lends little credence to this argument for several reasons. First, the author fails to provide sufficient evidence that in the study it have been merely the effect of breakfast plan in the school that decreased students’ absenteeism and tardiness. This decrease might have been due to the fact that when the students have their breakfast at school they have been already present at school. And therefore undoubtedly, they could not be absent or late for school. Without considering and ruling out these and other possible causes the author can not convince me that study substantially demonstrates these results. Second, even if the results of the study are corroborated they can not be attributable to the students of whole elementary and secondary schools of Mylar. There is the probability that respondents of this study have different characteristics or tastes or special family situations which can not be ascribed to the whole students of the district. For example they might have family problems such as argumentative conflicts between their parents who can not concentrate on their children healthy nutrition and having breakfast before school. Without considering and ruling out these and other distinct characteristics of the respondents of study it would not seem reasonable to attribute their improvement to the whole students. Third, the author unfairly asserts that eating a healthful breakfast regularly will help the students perform better in the school. Although I concede that having healthful nutrition would have beneficial effects on students’ health and consequently their learning, but it cannot be the only reason. There are several critical causes which deeply depend on the behavior of parents and teachers toward the children. For instance without wise parents and teachers who try to motivate and inspire children to do their best the educational improvement of children would not be guaranteed only by having a healthy breakfast. In sum, the author fails to convince me that implementing the breakfast plan in all the schools of the district would be helpful in decreasing the students’ tardiness and absenteeism and in improving their academic performance. To bolster the argument he must account for other factors which might have influenced the result of the survey and also provides more dear information about the demographic profile of the study’s respondents. It would also be helpful to consider other factors that can have effect on academic performance of the students.
In this memo, the superintendent of the Mylar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
district recommends that all
Incorrect plural form; it does not need any apostrophe. Did you mean "Mylars"?
Mylar's
elementary and secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breakfasts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plan
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
academic performance. To support this recommendation he points out a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
examined among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
which has shown
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who have had
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breakfasts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plan
were less absent from or late for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. He
also
cites that eating a healthful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breakfast
regularly
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
perform their educational affairs better. Careful scrutiny to these evidence, reveals that it lends
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
credence to this argument for several reasons.

First
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
fails to provide sufficient evidence that in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
it
Did you mean "has"?
have
been
merely
the effect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breakfast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plan
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
that decreased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
absenteeism and tardiness. This decrease might have been due to the fact that when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breakfast
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
they have been already present at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. And
therefore
undoubtedly
, they could not be absent or late for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Without considering and ruling out these and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
possible causes the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
can not convince me that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
substantially
demonstrates these results.

Second, even if the results of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
are corroborated
they can not be attributable to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
of whole elementary and secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
of Mylar. There is the probability that respondents of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
characteristics or tastes or special family situations which can not
be ascribed
to the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
of the district. For
The comma is probably missing here: "example, they".
example they
might have family problems such as argumentative conflicts between their parents who can not concentrate on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
healthy nutrition and having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breakfast
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Without considering and ruling out these and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
distinct characteristics of the respondents of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
it would not seem reasonable to attribute their improvement to the whole students.

Third, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
unfairly
asserts that eating a healthful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breakfast
regularly
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
perform better in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Although I concede that having healthful nutrition would have beneficial effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
health and
consequently
their learning,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it cannot be the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
reason. There are several critical causes which
deeply
depend on the behavior of parents and teachers toward the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For instance
without wise parents and teachers who try to motivate and inspire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to do their best the educational improvement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would not
be guaranteed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by having a healthy breakfast.

In sum, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
fails to convince me that implementing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
breakfast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plan
in all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
of the district would be helpful in decreasing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
tardiness and absenteeism and in improving their academic performance. To bolster the argument he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
account for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors which might have influenced the result of the survey and
also
provides more dear information about the demographic profile of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study’s
respondents. It would
also
be helpful to consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors that can have effect on academic performance of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
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IELTS essay The following is a memo from the superintendent of the Mylar school district. " A recent six-month study, in which breakfast was made available at school for 100 schoolchildren ages five to twelve, found that children on the breakfast plan were less likely

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
480 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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