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The following appeared in an article in the Grandview Beacon."For many years the city of Grandview has provided annual funding for the Grandview Symphony.Last year,however,private contributions to the symphony increased by 200 percent and attendance

The following appeared in an article in the Grandview Beacon. " For many years the city of Grandview has provided annual funding for the Grandview Symphony. Last year, however, private contributions to the symphony increased by 200 percent and attendance yXLpM
Merely based on unfounded assumptions and dubious evidence, the author draws the conclusion that there is no further need to donate for the symphony next year. To support the conclusion, the author points out the evidence about more attendance, higher private contribution and tickets price of the symphony. At first glance, it appears to be somewhat convincing, but further reflection reveals that it omits some substantial concerns. Firstly, the conclusion is unacceptable unless there is compelling evidence to support the strong connection between higher attendance and fully self-supporting. The assumption being made is that the 200 percent of private contributions and attendance can bring more income so the symphony can be self-supporting. However, is it definitely for it to become independence just due to higher contribution? Maybe this could be offset by more costs for every performance. Moreover, even if they really contribute to the whole profit, does it mean the symphony doesn't need any funding to maintain? The answer of it is uncertain. Secondly, without ruling out all other factors, it is unreasonable to conclude the more expensive ticket can lead to self-independence. Whether the more pricy tickets can bring more profit? Perhaps the audience won't tend to buy it if they find the tickets are too expensive to afford. Therefore in this way, the profit would decrease instead. Moreover, even if the tickets with higher price could lead to a better financial consequence, how long would this optimistic phenomenon last? Can it resist through the whole next year? Thus it is irresponsible to draw the conclusion that the funding for the symphony can be eliminated from the next year's budget. To sum up, the author fails to draw the conclusion because the cited evidence does not lend strong support for it. To make the conclusion more convincing, the author would have to provide more evidence with regard to the causal relationship between more private contributions, attendance and self-supporting. What's more, how long for the profit improvement can last brought by more expensive ticket should be answered. Thus if the argument had included the given factors, it could be more thorough and logically acceptable.
Merely
based on unfounded assumptions and dubious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
evidence
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
draws the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
that there is no
further
need to donate for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
symphony
next
year. To support the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
points out the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
evidence
about more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attendance
, higher private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contribution
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
price of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
symphony
. At
first
glance, it appears to be somewhat convincing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
further
reflection reveals that it omits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
substantial concerns.

Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
is unacceptable unless there is compelling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
evidence
to support the strong
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attendance
and
fully
self-supporting. The assumption
being made
is that the 200 percent of private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contributions
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attendance
can bring more income
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
symphony
can be self-supporting.
However
, is it definitely for it to become independence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
due to higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contribution
? Maybe this could be offset by more costs for every performance.
Moreover
, even if they
really
contribute to the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profit
, does it mean the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
symphony
doesn't need any funding to maintain? The answer of it is uncertain.

Secondly
, without ruling out all other factors, it is unreasonable
to conclude
the more expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ticket
can lead to self-independence. Whether the more
Possible spelling mistake found.
pricy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
can bring more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profit
? Perhaps the audience won't tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it if they find the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
are too expensive to afford.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
in this way, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profit
would decrease
instead
.
Moreover
, even if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
with higher price could lead to a better financial consequence, how long would this optimistic phenomenon last? Can it resist through the whole
next
year?
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
it is irresponsible to draw the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
that the funding for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
symphony
can
be eliminated
from the
next
year's budget.

To sum up, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
fails to draw the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the cited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
evidence
does not lend strong support for it. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
more convincing, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
provide more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
evidence
with regard to the causal relationship between more private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contributions
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attendance
and self-supporting. What's more, how long for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profit
improvement can last brought by more expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ticket
should
be answered
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
if the argument had included the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
factors, it could be more thorough and
logically
acceptable.
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IELTS essay The following appeared in an article in the Grandview Beacon. " For many years the city of Grandview has provided annual funding for the Grandview Symphony. Last year, however, private contributions to the symphony increased by 200 percent and attendance

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
355 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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  • The following appeared in an article in the Grandview Beacon."For many years the city of Grandview has provided annual funding for the Grandview Symphony.Last year,however,private contributions to the symphony increased by 200 percent and attendance