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Some young people are free in the evenings or have days off at school, which way can bring them the most benefit?۱٫ To accumulate work experience by a part-time job or volunteering in a community۲٫Learning to play a sport۳٫ Learning to play a musica

Some young people are free in the evenings or have days off at school, which way can bring them the most benefit? ۱٫ To accumulate work experience by a part-time job or volunteering in a community۲٫Learning to play a sport۳٫ Learning to play a musica aw6Kd
In my opinion, students should spend their free time to work in a part-time position or volunteer in a community. It’s because they can gain some hands-on experiences related to their study subjects and as a result, learn those subjects better. Moreover, unlike enrolling in a playing sport class or learning a musical instrument, voluntary or part-time work will not cost for them. I will illustrate my reasons in the following paragraphs. First of all, working in a related job to your study field, either a part-time job or voluntary one, can help you to learn more things about your study field. For example, I remember when I was studying in an art school, I had a part-time job as a photographer for a photographic journal. I learned lots of things through my experience there. Indeed, I had a good opportunity to practice every theoretical thing that I was learned in my classes in my practical work. That opportunity provided me with a tangible understanding of every theoretical method; as a result, I could learn more than my classmates about every subject related to photography and consequently, I could gain high scores in those classes. I believe that any other thing couldn’t help me to learn my lessons efficiently as much as that experience do. For example, if I had spent my free time to learn a thing irrelevant to my study, such as a sport or playing a musical instrument, I would never have mastered in some subjects about my study field in that early stage. For the second reason, students have to spend lots of money on learning how to play a sport or how to play a musical instrument. However, having a part-time job or volunteer in a community not only will not cost for them but also may make money for them. For instance, when I was working as a part-time photographer in the aforementioned journal, I had two other friends that one of them, Sarah, took guitar lessons and another one, Tina, volunteered in a local community to teach drawing to poor children. At the end of that year, when we were talking about our accomplishments in that year, we found out that I had earned $3000 by my part-time job, Tina hadn’t earned any money, and Sarah had spent $2000 to learn that musical instrument. Thus, learning a new thing, such as playing a sport or playing a musical instrument, will cost students a lot. By contrast, they don’t need to spend any money on a voluntary experience in a community to fill their free time. Additionally, they can make a considerable amount of money by working part-time in their free time. Based on the aforementioned reasons, it can be concluded that hardly can any other suggestion bring about such benefits for students. Therefore, I suggest a part-time work or voluntary job in a community for every student who wants to benefit his free time.
In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in a part-time position or volunteer in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
. It’s
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hands-on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
related to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
and
as a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
better.
Moreover
, unlike enrolling in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
or learning a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instrument
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
voluntary
or part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
will not cost for them. I will illustrate my reasons in the following paragraphs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, working in a related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
to your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
field, either a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
voluntary
one, can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
you to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
more things about your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
field.
For example
, I remember when I was studying in an art school, I had a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
as a photographer for a photographic journal. I learned lots of things through my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
there.
Indeed
, I had a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
opportunity to practice every theoretical thing that I
was learned
in my classes in my practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. That opportunity provided me with a tangible understanding of every theoretical method;
as a result
, I could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
more than my classmates about every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
related to photography and
consequently
, I could gain high scores in those classes. I believe that any other thing couldn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
me to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
my lessons
efficiently
as much as that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
do.
For example
, if I had spent my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
a thing irrelevant to my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
, such as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instrument
, I would never have mastered in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
about my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
field in that early stage.

For the second reason,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on learning how to play a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
or how to play a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instrument
.
However
, having a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
or volunteer in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
will not cost for them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for them.
For instance
, when I was working as a part-time photographer in the aforementioned journal, I had two other friends that one of them, Sarah, took guitar lessons and another one, Tina, volunteered in a local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
to teach drawing to poor children. At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of that year, when we were talking about our accomplishments in that year, we found out that I had earned $3000 by my part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, Tina hadn’t earned any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, and Sarah had spent $2000 to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instrument
.
Thus
, learning a new thing, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
instrument
, will cost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
a lot. By contrast, they don’t need to spend any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
to fill their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Additionally
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a considerable amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
by working part-time in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
time.

Based on the aforementioned reasons, it can
be concluded
that hardly can any other suggestion bring about such benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
Therefore
, I suggest a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
for every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
who wants to benefit his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
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IELTS essay Some young people are free in the evenings or have days off at school, which way can bring them the most benefit? ۱٫ To accumulate work experience by a part-time job or volunteering in a community۲٫Learning to play a sport۳٫ Learning to play a musica

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
491 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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  • Some young people are free in the evenings or have days off at school, which way can bring them the most benefit?۱٫ To accumulate work experience by a part-time job or volunteering in a community۲٫Learning to play a sport۳٫ Learning to play a musica