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  Some students take one year off between finishing school and going to university, to travel or to work. Do you think that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Some pupils take a year break after finishing their high school studies for travelling or working before they register in a university. On the one hand, there are some profits for high school graduates who decide to enter the job market or travel for a year before enrolling university.  When young students travel, they can know various people and cultures and because of that, gain valuable experiences and their horizons broaden at an appropriate age.  Consequently, travelling makes students mature, which is effective in their better performance at the university.  For instance, many students enter college with little idea of what they want to study or do after graduation.  Another positive outcome is that while working young people can discover their favorite job, they will choose their field of study more consciously because they are in the job market. They can also handle the money they earn during this year to cover their university fees. However, the one-year gap between school and university has potential downsides for students. First,  students who work after graduation from school obtain a sense of financial independence, which lead them to prefer staying in the job market to study academically at the university.  Second, a year of travel will cost a large amount of money for young students. According to the "New York Times", a three-month trip can cost up to $10, 000.  Moreover,  returning to college after a gap year can feel awkward.  A one-year break causes students to stay away from the subjects and the academic environment and as a result, forget much material, which will challenge them to begin the university and take the entrance exams. In conclusion, despite some negative aspects, in my opinion the benefits of a gap year are more significant for the reasons mentioned.
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Some
pupils take a
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year
break after finishing their high
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school
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studies
for travelling or working
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before
they register in a university.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
profits for high
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school
graduates who decide to enter the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market or travel for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
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before
enrolling
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university
.  When young
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students
travel, they can know various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and cultures and 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that, gain valuable experiences and their horizons broaden at an appropriate age.  
Consequently
, travelling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
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students
mature, which is effective in their better performance at the
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university
.  
For instance
,
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many
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students
enter college with
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little
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idea
of what they want to
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study
or do after graduation.  Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outcome is that while working young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can discover their favorite
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job
, they will choose their field of
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study
more
consciously
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because
they are in the
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job
market. They can
also
handle the money they earn during this
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year
to cover their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
fees.

However
, the one-year gap between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
has potential downsides for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
First
,
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 students
who work after graduation from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
obtain a sense of financial independence, which lead them to prefer staying in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
academically
at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
.  Second, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
of travel will cost a large amount of money for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. According to the
Use a smart opening quote here.
"
New York Times
Use a smart closing quote here.
"
, a three-month trip can cost up to $10, 000.  
Moreover
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
returning to college after a gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
can feel awkward.  A one-year break causes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to stay away from the subjects and the academic environment and
as a result
, forget much material, which will challenge them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
the
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university
and take the entrance exams.

In conclusion
, despite
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some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects, in my opinion the benefits of a gap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
are more significant for the reasons mentioned.
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IELTS essay Some students take one year off between finishing school and going to university, to travel or to work. Do you think that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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