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Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. To what extent do you agree with this view?

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. 6WQK
Many people hold their view that there are a huge number of concerns which the Government should tackle instead of wasting a budget on the arts, It could be used for more beneficial purposes. I completely agree with the idea that there a lot of problems which can not be solved without enough funding. First of all, The major concern which is essential to handle is poverty, almost in all countries, there is at least a small percentage of the population suffers from poverty, diseases, and problems with housing, the thing I want to say that most of them are homeless, thus they have to live outside and nurture themselves what is possible to eat. It can lead to many diseases which might have a huge negative effect on the development of future generation. Hence, there will emerge issues with education, the government will probably have a lack of highly qualified personnel, whereas arts and artworks get a remarkable sum of finance. As clear evidence, many countries in Africa are in great necessity of financial help from the government and rich nations can ensure a better life for millions of people. It will affect developing other countries as well. Therefore the government should invest their budget in handling the current situation rather than in the developing of the arts. Especially, nowadays more and more people are having no roof, It would bring more beneficial aspects towards the development of the whole nation. Secondly, there is also a global issue that requires a huge sum of funding. It is the ecological problem, the way of our lives soils our nature. Hence, natural habitats of creatures are being destroyed and deforestation is endangering many species. Moreover, climate change is letting us know about ourselves. According to some proved researches, the average global temperature has increased by more than 3 degrees for the last 20 years. Besides, this problem might lead to the melting iсebergs of our oceans. Following this, the world water level will be increasing by approximately 50 mm per year, which means that flooding water can drown huge megapolises as well as cosmopolitan such as London, Venecia, Denmark, New-York, Miami and other cities. It is an imminent and threatening problem which the government should solve. To sum up, nevertheless to say that we need art and other cultural features of our lifestyle and investing the fund of the country is required to preserve arts. However, when our essential existence is threatened due to poverty, global warming as so on, financing a huge amount of money to develop the culture and arts is simply fallaciously
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
hold their view that there are a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
huge
number of concerns which the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
should tackle
instead
of wasting a budget on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
, It could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for more beneficial purposes. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that there
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
which can not
be solved
without
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
funding.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, The major concern which is essential to handle is poverty, almost in all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, there is at least a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
percentage of the population suffers from poverty, diseases, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
with housing, the thing I want to say that most of them are homeless,
thus
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
outside and nurture themselves what is possible to eat. It can lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases which might have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
huge
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on the development of future generation.
Hence
, there will emerge issues with education, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
will
probably
have a lack of
highly
qualified personnel, whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and artworks
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a remarkable sum of finance. As
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
evidence,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
in Africa are in great necessity of financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
and rich nations can ensure a better life for millions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. It will affect developing other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
as well
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should invest their budget in handling the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
situation
rather
than in the developing of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
.
Especially
, nowadays more and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are having no roof, It would bring more beneficial aspects towards the development of the whole nation.

Secondly
, there is
also
a global issue that requires a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
huge
sum of funding. It is the ecological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
, the way of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
soils our nature.
Hence
, natural habitats of creatures are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
and deforestation is endangering
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
species.
Moreover
, climate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
is letting us know about ourselves. According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
proved researches, the average global temperature has increased by more than 3 degrees for the last 20 years.
Besides
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
might lead to the melting
Possible spelling mistake found.
iсebergs
of our oceans. Following this, the world water level will be increasing by approximately 50 mm per year, which means that flooding water can drown
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
huge
Possible spelling mistake found.
megapolises
as well
as cosmopolitan such as London,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Venecia
, Denmark, New-York, Miami and other cities. It is an imminent and threatening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
which the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should solve.

To sum up,
nevertheless
to say that we need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and other cultural features of our lifestyle and investing the fund of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is required
to preserve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
.
However
, when our essential existence
is threatened
due to poverty, global warming as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, financing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
huge
amount of money to develop the culture and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
is
simply
fallaciously
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IELTS essay Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
433 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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