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Some people think that governments need to invest money in cosmic research. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that governments need to invest money in cosmic research. 7xm3
According to some people, cosmic investigation should be funded by governments. While governments can put investment to this research due to some benefits, I believe that they have to fund to more important issues than cosmic. Today, governments might invest to the this research, because it gives some advantages. Firstly, this step provides people with faster internet, this network connection is better than other connection methods. Since this connection works with the fast of light, that is why, it doubles speed of the internet. Secondly, these researches create awareness in people towards to our solar system. People receive information about occurring events, such as solar or moon eclipse. Therefore, such information reduces people’s concerns prior to these natural processes occur. However, I believe that there are more crucial topics which should be invested by governments, such as lack of food, lack of drinking water, disease which can be prevented. These problems are universal issues, that is why, all of countries must help and fund related to these. For instance, thousands of children die in Africa countries every year due to malnutrition, thirst, as well as simple diseases. As a consequence, If these problems should be funded by all of countries, these can solve. In conclusion, even though cosmic investigations give some benefits, such as internet and awareness from our solar system, governments have to finance to main world problems.
According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, cosmic investigation should
be funded
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
can put investment to this research due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits, I believe that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
fund to more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
issues than cosmic.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
might invest to
Maybe you need to remove the second determiner so that only "the" or "this" is left.
the this
research,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it gives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages.
Firstly
, this step provides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with faster internet, this network connection is better than other connection methods. Since this connection works with the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
of light,
that is
why, it doubles speed of the internet.
Secondly
, these researches create awareness in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
towards to our solar system.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
receive information about occurring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, such as solar or moon eclipse.
Therefore
, such information
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
concerns prior to these natural processes occur.

However
, I believe that there are more crucial topics which should
be invested
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
, such as lack of food, lack of drinking water, disease which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
. These problems are universal issues,
that is
why,
Consider using "all countries" or "all of the countries".
all of countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
and fund related to these.
For instance
, thousands of children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
in Africa countries every year due to malnutrition, thirst,
as well
as simple diseases. As a consequence, If these problems should
be funded
by
Consider using "all countries" or "all of the countries".
all of countries
, these can solve.

In conclusion
,
even though
cosmic investigations give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits, such as internet and awareness from our solar system,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
finance to main world problems.

IELTS essay Some people think that governments need to invest money in cosmic research.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
229 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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