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Some people store personal and private information online, including banking, contacts and addresses. Is it a positive or negative trend?

Some people store personal and private information online, including banking, contacts and addresses. Is it a positive or negative trend? Wb0e
At present, online storage of personal and private data is more prevalent. In response to this phenomenon, the essay will provide an exegesis on both sides of the issue to maintain that proclaiming an absolute stance will undermine the complexity of the perceived problem. First, storing the personal and private information online help people’s life more convenient. For instance, if a person purchases a product from online shopping platforms such as eBay or Amazon, they will need to fill out their personal details which include credit cards, contact number, and delivery address. Therefore, storing personal information on computers allow people to save time. Furthermore, individuals can access their personal information such as contacts and photos through devices and anytime. By simply logging in to the cloud account on iCloud, they can obtain their personal easily when they need it. As a result, people do not have to remember all the details. On the other hand, the risk of financial loss should be considered when people decide to store private and personal data in online portals. For instance, employees are often using random computers to do some transactions, but they usually forget to log out of their accounts after they complete those transactions. Therefore, the risk of losing money in their bank account will be alarmed. In case hackers can easily access such information from many devices, they can purchase goods under the personal name. In short, people should pay attention when they store private and personal data on computers. In conclusion, the essay has provided an argument for the impartial stance concerning the storage private information on online platforms: on the one hand, storing private and personal details online help people’s life handier; on the other hand, it has a potential risk of money loss.
At present,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
storage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
data is more prevalent. In response to this phenomenon, the essay will provide an exegesis on both sides of the issue to maintain that proclaiming an absolute stance will undermine the complexity of the perceived problem.

First
, storing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life more convenient.
For instance
, if a person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchases
a product from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shopping platforms such as eBay or Amazon, they will need to fill out their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
which include credit cards, contact number, and delivery address.
Therefore
, storing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
on computers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to save time.
Furthermore
, individuals can access their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
such as contacts and photos through devices and anytime. By
simply
logging in to the cloud account on iCloud, they can obtain their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
easily
when they need it.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
remember all the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
.

On the other hand
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of financial loss should
be considered
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
decide to store
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
data in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
portals.
For instance
, employees are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
using random computers to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
transactions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
usually
forget to log out of their accounts after they complete those transactions.
Therefore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of losing money in their bank account will
be alarmed
. In case hackers can
easily
access such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
devices, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
under the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
name. In short,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should pay attention when they store
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
data on computers.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
conclusion, the essay has provided an argument for the impartial stance concerning the storage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
platforms: on the one hand, storing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life handier;
on the other hand
, it has a potential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of money loss.
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IELTS essay Some people store personal and private information online, including banking, contacts and addresses. Is it a positive or negative trend?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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