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Some people state that in the period of developed IT, it is normal for teenagers to spend a lot of time on such modern gadgets as smart phones and laptops, while others say that it is a bad habit with negative consequences. Discuss both views and state your opinion. v.1

Some people state that in the period of developed IT, it is normal for teenagers to spend a lot of time on such modern gadgets as smart phones and laptops, while others say that it is a bad habit with negative consequences. v. 1
Some individuals are arguing at length that in advanced IT phase, it is an everyday phenomenon that up-to-date devices, such as smart phones and laptops, busy teens for much time a day. In contrast, some opponents of this view highlight that this habit affects them negatively. In the following paragraph, I intend to state strong points of both positions and provide my personal judgement. Supporters of the idea think that spending many hours of using modern gadgets helps teenagers to be aware of news along world since current life requests to become a cyber activist. For example, we have to utilize laptops or appliances connected to the internet in order to be online on such social medias as Facebook and Instagram which share news related to all categories like sport, society, economy and others. Therefore, most young are nowadays trying more to use modern gadgets than to be busy with others. Albeit knowing that it is impossible to limit the time the young pass using newfangled appliances, opponents intend to warn that it impacts seriously users’ health system if they spend lots of time on the devices. For instance, because most teens use their smart phones with maximum brightness, they unintentionally damage their eyes. As a result, their sight ability may diminish. Additionally, while they pass their time utilizing gadgets, they do not know that they are being addicted to cyber world and becoming a captive of it. Actually, it is a bad condition and also influences teens psychologically. Such as, they feel weird, lonely and isolated from society, and this is bad troubled statement for young generation. To sum up, I should state that the less teens use modern devices, the healthier they are, and negative effects never can be dominance.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals are arguing at length that in advanced IT phase, it is an everyday phenomenon that up-to-date devices, such as smart phones and laptops, busy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teens
for much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
a day.
In contrast
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
opponents of this view highlight that this habit affects them
negatively
. In the following paragraph, I intend to state strong points of both positions and provide my personal judgement.

Supporters of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours of using modern gadgets
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
to be aware of news along world since
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
life requests to become a cyber activist.
For example
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
utilize laptops or appliances connected to the internet in order to be online on such social medias as Facebook and Instagram which share news related to all categories like sport, society, economy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
.
Therefore
, most young are nowadays trying more to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
modern gadgets than to be busy with others.

Albeit knowing that it is impossible to limit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
the young pass using newfangled appliances, opponents intend to warn that it impacts
seriously
users’ health system if they spend lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on the devices.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teens
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their smart phones with maximum brightness, they
unintentionally
damage their eyes.
As a result
, their sight ability may diminish.
Additionally
, while they pass their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
utilizing gadgets, they do not know that they are
being addicted
to cyber world and becoming a captive of it. Actually, it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
condition and
also
influences
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teens
psychologically
. Such as, they feel weird, lonely and isolated from society, and this is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
troubled statement for young generation.

To sum up, I should state that the
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun teens is countable.
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teens
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
modern devices, the healthier they are, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects never can be dominance.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Some people state that in the period of developed IT, it is normal for teenagers to spend a lot of time on such modern gadgets as smart phones and laptops, while others say that it is a bad habit with negative consequences. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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