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Some people say that it is better to promote healthy lifestyles than spend so much money to treat obese people. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and example to support your position

Some people say that it is better to promote healthy lifestyles than spend so much money to treat obese people. Use specific reasons and example to support your position Lrr61
Some people believe that promoting a healthy lifestyle is more effective rather than spending money to treat obese people. I too think this is true to a greater extent. Firstly, by educating young, older people, raising awareness and promoting physical activity to all ages can prevent health problems effectively. Nowadays, many common diseases like obesity, cardiovascular disease are the result of unhealthy eating practices. These diseases could be easily prevented by practising a healthier lifestyle and regular exercise. Having a regular medical check-up can also prevent these diseases. For example, a medical practitioner such as a dietitian can help an individual who has obesity, on how they can incorporate a healthy balanced diet. Secondly, spending money on promoting healthy lifestyles has a greater impact on our quality of life and as well as decreasing the burden on the health care system. For example it is required that we eat at least five portions of a variety of fruit and vegetables everyday, this results in a decrease in the rate of people with diabetes. People with obesity should also avoid consuming food with high fat or sugar. This type of food can clog the blood vessels or give us a stroke and heart disease. If we focus on curative service more money will continue to be spent on diseases that will never be treated. In some cases, obesity can hardly get prevented, For example in hormonal imbalances or in some medication which may cause weight gain. In these cases, no one can limit their medical expenses. However, such incidences are very rare or fewer in number. To sum up, nevertheless there are some instances in which individuals need to spend money money to treat obese; However i think that in most cases, it can be prevented by practising a healthier lifestyle.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that promoting a healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
is more effective
rather
than spending money to treat obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Consider using commas to set off 'too', if you want to emphasize an abrupt change of thought.
I too
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this is true to a greater extent.

Firstly
, by educating young, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, raising awareness and promoting physical activity to all ages can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
health problems
effectively
. Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
like obesity, cardiovascular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
are the result of unhealthy eating practices. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
could be
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
by
Possible spelling mistake. 'practising' is British English.
practising
a healthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
and regular exercise. Having a regular medical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
-up can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
.
For example
, a medical practitioner such as a dietitian can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
an individual who has obesity, on how they can incorporate a healthy balanced diet.

Secondly
, spending money on promoting healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyles
has a greater impact on our quality of life and
as well
as decreasing the burden on the health care system. For
The comma is probably missing here: "example, it".
example it
is required
that we eat at least five portions of a variety of fruit and vegetables
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
, this results in a decrease in the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with diabetes.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
with obesity should
also
avoid consuming food with high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
or sugar. This type of food can clog the blood vessels or give us a stroke and heart disease.

“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
we focus on curative service more money will continue to
be spent
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
that will never
be treated
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, obesity can hardly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
,
For example
in hormonal imbalances or in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
medication which may cause weight gain. In these cases, no one can limit their medical expenses.
However
, such incidences are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
rare or
A more concise phrase may lose no meaning and sound more powerful.
fewer in number
.

To sum up,
nevertheless
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
instances in which individuals need to spend
Possible typo: you repeated a word
money money
to treat obese;
However
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
in most cases
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
by
Possible spelling mistake. 'practising' is British English.
practising
a healthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
.
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IELTS essay Some people say that it is better to promote healthy lifestyles than spend so much money to treat obese people. Use specific reasons and example to support your position

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
300 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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