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Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit teenagers and the community as well. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Children are the backbone of every country. Some individuals believe that children should be encouraged to initiate social work as it will result in flourished social an individualistic growth of youngsters themselves. I completely agree with this opinion Firstly when teenagers spend time with social work they have possibility to community with other people for instance nowadays many teenagers spent time only in the internet and they don't community with someone and their social circle is small. Secondly teenagers don't spent time empty their help to old people in social work for example when teenagers work they start think how hard their parents to make money and they will start appreciate their parents. However there are also some drawbacks for instance they spent time on the street and not practice their subjects and there are bad for teenagers because there are teenagers who should entered to the university. Another some teenagers leaving the house they will tell their parents that they are going to help social work and going to the computer not for work. In conclusion i completely agree with that should be required to do unpaid community work for some reason as i mentioned above.
Children are the backbone of every country.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals believe that children should
be encouraged
to initiate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as it will result in flourished
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
an individualistic growth of youngsters themselves. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion 
Firstly
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
they have possibility to community with other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
for instance
nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
spent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the internet".
in the internet
and they don't community with someone and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
circle is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
.
Secondly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
don't spent
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time
empty their
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help
to
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old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for example
when
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teenagers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
their parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
money and
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
appreciate their parents.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks
for instance
they spent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on the street and not practice their subjects and there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
who should entered to the university. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
leaving the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
their parents that they are going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and going to the computer not for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
In conclusion
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with that should
be required
to do unpaid community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reason as
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
mentioned above.
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IELTS essay Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit teenagers and the community as well.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
196 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit teenagers and the community as well. To what extent do you agree or disagree?