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some people beleeve that money is one of the most importan factors in a person's happinees. To what extend do you agree with this

some people beleeve that money is one of the most importan factors in a person's happinees. To what extend do you agree with this 3ge0N
It’s common thinking that fund is fundamental for our personal well-being. In my opinion I believe money could make a real change for our status conditions. Having a good amount of money could upward the life style of people. In our society where everything is based on fund money are crucial thing. We have to provide stuff we need with having money, starting from basic necessities as food, clothes and to pay rents and bills. An important experience in my life where I understood the value of money and how having or not having them is crucial for the citizens where when I have been in USA. Every aspects of life departing from scholarship, health care are private in United State. This is meaning that the State can’t help you to pay for have them. Everybody in USA work hard to provide money because them can make their feeling happy and to achieve a happiness life. I also think money are not the essential in life because our life couldn’t only turn around them. What I think essentially is, when we got everything we need we don’t need to pretend to have money in abundance. Money can’t contribute to achieve our personal grow happiness. What I see is around the world is who think only about money don’t enjoy the life. In conclusion we have to build a balance lifestyle, between having enough money to live and giving importance and time to the people we love to build our personal happiness.
It’s common thinking that fund is fundamental for our personal well-being.

In my opinion I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a real
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
for our status conditions.

Having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
could upward the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
style of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In our society where everything
is based
on fund
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
are crucial thing.

We
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
provide stuff we need with having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, starting from
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
as food, clothes and

to pay rents and bills.

An
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
experience in my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
where I understood the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and how having or not having

them is crucial for the citizens where when I have been
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
.

Every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "aspect"?
aspects
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
departing from scholarship, health care are private in United State. This
The verb 'meaning' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
is meaning


that the State can’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
you to pay for have them.

Everybody in USA work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
them can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their feeling happy and to

achieve a happiness life.

I
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
are not the essential in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
couldn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
turn around them.

What I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
essentially
is, when we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
everything we need we don’t need to pretend to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in

abundance.

Money can’t contribute to achieve our personal grow happiness. What I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
is around the world is who

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
don’t enjoy the life.

In
The comma is probably missing here: "conclusion, we".
conclusion we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
build a balance lifestyle, between having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
and giving

importance and time to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to build our personal happiness.
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IELTS essay some people beleeve that money is one of the most importan factors in a person's happinees. To what extend do you agree with this

Essay
  American English
12 paragraphs
251 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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