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Some industrialised countries have serious environmental problems. The damage to the environment is an inevitable result when a country tends to improve the standard of living. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Some industrialised countries have serious environmental problems. The damage to the environment is an inevitable result when a country tends to improve the standard of living. 9Q3L3
Nowadays, many countries are urging to realise the rapid industrialisation, and consequently give top priority to it. However, whether it should indispensably be entwined with the degradation of environment remains a controversial issue. My view is that pursuing economic development should not come at the cost of undermining environment, but be in a sustainable way. First, it is obvious that traditional industrialisation model, which has been discarded by many developed nations, is proved to be infeasible. This is because not only will it result in the deteriorating nature, which includes global warming, greenhouse effect, but that the resources on earth, such as coal, oil and minerals, are finite and exhaustible. As a result, the green development, which is primarily based on renewable energies, that is wind, hydro and solar powers, has become a global trend. Moreover, actually, the environmental protection can keep pace with the industrialisation process. For example, we can conserve energy while improving air quality by encouraging low carbon consumption, calling a halt to deforestation, seeking eco-friendly alternatives and most importantly, raising public’s green awareness. If all walks of life in the society follow the green lifestyle, coupled with making laws by governments to boost low carbon economy, the industrialisation will still be achieved with a comfortable environment. That is not to say that the economic development will occur without the environmental cost. The increasing demands of resources will definitely cause extensive logging and mining, especially when the economic development is in the early stage. But fortunately, the eco-friendly measures can be applied in every stage of economic growth. In sum, the environmental protection, indeed, can be taken into action during the process of industrialisation. Meanwhile, we should not ignore the negative effects of utilisation of natural resources. Only by pooling all social resources can we ensure that we could live in a pleasing environment while enjoying the material wealth.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries are urging to
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
the rapid
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialisation' is British English.
industrialisation
, and
consequently
give top priority to it.
However
, whether it should
indispensably
be entwined
with the degradation of environment remains a controversial issue. My view is that pursuing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
at the cost of undermining environment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
be
Consider replacing "in a sustainable way" with the adverb for "sustainable"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a sustainable way
.

First
, it is obvious that traditional
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialisation' is British English.
industrialisation
model, which has
been discarded
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
developed nations,
is proved
to be infeasible. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
will it result in the deteriorating nature, which includes global warming, greenhouse effect,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that the resources on earth, such as coal, oil and minerals, are finite and exhaustible.
As a result
, the green
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
, which is
primarily
based on renewable energies,
that is
wind, hydro and solar powers, has become a global trend.

Moreover
, actually, the environmental protection can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
pace with the
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialisation' is British English.
industrialisation
process.
For example
, we can conserve energy while improving air quality by encouraging low carbon consumption, calling a halt to deforestation, seeking eco-friendly alternatives and most
importantly
, raising public’s green awareness. If all walks of life in the society follow the green lifestyle, coupled with making laws by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
to boost low carbon economy, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialisation' is British English.
industrialisation
will
still
be achieved
with a comfortable environment.

That is
not to say that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
will occur without the environmental cost. The increasing demands of resources will definitely cause extensive logging and mining,
especially
when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
is in the early stage.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
fortunately
, the eco-friendly measures can
be applied
in every stage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
growth.

In sum, the environmental protection,
indeed
, can
be taken
into action during the process of
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialisation' is British English.
industrialisation
. Meanwhile, we should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilisation' is British English.
utilisation
of natural resources.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
by pooling all social resources can we ensure that we could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a pleasing environment while enjoying the material wealth.
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IELTS essay Some industrialised countries have serious environmental problems. The damage to the environment is an inevitable result when a country tends to improve the standard of living.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
312 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
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