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Should women get plastic surgery to make themselves have a better self- image?

Should women get plastic surgery to make themselves have a better self- image? 5AQAp
The advanced technology and hi-tech machines hugely contributed to beauty in modern-time and its support for various beauty demands with ease and convenience. Having said that, people who possess eye-catching appearance are enormously conducive to their career path. In contrast, A great deal of people still appreciate natural beauty and are biased toward getting plastic surgery. Firstly, Beauty plays an important role in people these days. It somehow brings various opportunities that may open new chapters for their life. For instance, the recruitment criteria of many companies require their employers to have great appearance to implement various kinds of jobs such as to be sales representatives or on behalf of companies negotiating in foreign markets. Furthermore, for those who have prominent beauty be able to make a killing from fashion advertisements or become a model with lucrative income. Secondly, the above mention of beauty advantage is the main factor for more involved in plastic surgery. It’s a fundamental right for people who are less good-looking to be beautiful in order to get better chances in their future life. The advent of technology nowadays used in plastic surgery is getting faster and safer. In contrast, too much exposure to surgery will bring adverse effects on people's health in the long-term. In short, from my perspective, I totally agree on getting plastic surgery to have a better self-image and that is no longer a controversial topic. However, people nowaday conscious of beauty's importance and have no injustice anymore. In addition, People shou d be proud of their natural beauty that parents give them.
The advanced technology and hi-tech machines
hugely
contributed to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauty
in modern-time and its support for various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauty
demands with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
and convenience. Having said that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who possess eye-catching appearance are
enormously
conducive to their career path.
In contrast
, A great deal of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
still
appreciate natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauty
and
are biased
toward getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plastic
surgery.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Beauty
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
these days. It somehow brings various opportunities that may open new chapters for their life.
For instance
, the recruitment criteria of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
require their employers to have great appearance to implement various kinds of jobs such as to be sales representatives or on behalf of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
negotiating in foreign markets.
Furthermore
, for those who have prominent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauty
be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a killing from fashion advertisements or become a model with lucrative income.

Secondly
, the above mention of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauty
advantage is the main factor for more involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plastic
surgery. It’s a fundamental right for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are less
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
-looking to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better chances in their future life. The advent of technology nowadays
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plastic
surgery is getting faster and safer.
In contrast
, too much exposure to surgery will bring adverse effects on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's health in the long-term.

In short, from my perspective, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
on getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plastic
surgery to have a better self-image and
that is
no longer a controversial topic.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
Possible spelling mistake found.
nowaday
conscious of beauty's importance and have no injustice anymore.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
Possible spelling mistake found.
shou


d be proud of their natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
beauty
that parents give them.
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IELTS essay Should women get plastic surgery to make themselves have a better self- image?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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