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Shopping is now one of the most popular forms of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. Why this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Shopping is now one of the most popular forms of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. Why this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development? yewJ
Firstly, some adults want to engross their knowledge to create awareness on the latest models in dresses, gadgets and ornaments etc. For example, at the moment many college goers learn new ornament designs from the market and they start their own firms which is creating many job opportunities. Secondly, shopping requires very less cost when compared to other leisure activities such as travelling and photography. Finally, during shopping some people tend to find new friends of same interest, which will could potentially help their personal life. When youngsters do shopping, this will help them to do financial planning which is considered to be important skills in everyone's life. For instance, during my college days I used to do shopping with less money which requires many research and budgeting. This skill is helping me now when I divide budget for various projects. Furthermore, knowing our country's economy starts from our local markets, therefore, it is vital for youngsters to do shopping to know market trends. In addition, when youngsters do shop this will help money circulation among traders, which will aid to grow nation's economy in all aspects. In conclusion, youngsters spend their leisure activity in shopping is a positive development for the growth of the country, also when adults do shop this will help them to do monetary planning which is key a skill for their career.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
adults want to engross their knowledge to create awareness on the latest models in dresses, gadgets and ornaments etc.
For example
, at the moment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
college goers learn new ornament designs from the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
market and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
firms which is creating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
job opportunities.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
requires
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less cost when compared to other leisure activities such as travelling and photography.
Finally
, during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to find new friends of same interest, which will could
potentially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
their personal life.

When youngsters do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
, this will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to do financial planning which
is considered
to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in everyone's life.
For instance
, during my college days I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
with less money which requires
Possible agreement error. The noun research seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much research", "a good deal of research".
many research
and budgeting. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
is helping me
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
when I divide budget for various projects.
Furthermore
, knowing our country's economy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
from our local markets,
therefore
, it is vital for youngsters to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
to know market trends.
In addition
, when youngsters do shop this will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
money circulation among traders, which will aid to grow nation's economy in all aspects.

In conclusion
, youngsters spend their leisure activity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development for the growth of the country,
also
when adults do shop this will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to do monetary planning which is key a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
for their career.

IELTS essay Shopping is now one of the most popular forms of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. Why this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
227 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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