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People work because they need money to live. What are some other reasons that people work ?I submitted this essay for the second time after I corrected the spelling and grammar, just to know how much does grammar and spelling affect on the score?

People work because they need money to live. What are some other reasons that people work? I submitted this essay for the second time after I corrected the spelling and grammar, just to know how much does grammar and spelling affect on the score? e51eK
Work is considered as one of the most important part in people's lives. They work mainly to make their living, but there are many reasons that make people work, which will be discussed in this essay. To begin with, people work to feel safe and secure in future. When people are young, they work not only to live, but also to save money for future. If they got old, it would be difficult to work. And at this point, they would need money from their saving for health issues and to depend on themselves and not to be in need. In addition, money is needed to buy a house and have a stable life. The elderly, in particular, need to have house because they are not able to work and pay for rents. Therefore, work give people a sense of safety and security for their future. Another reason makes people work is that to attain self satisfaction and enjoyment. Humans in nature like to discover, help others, and make changes in life. Some achieve self satisfaction through helping others for examples doctors. They treat people to save their lives or improve their health status. Thus doctors feel that they are like heroes by changing patients' lives to the best. Others like engineer, for instance, like to build and design new buildings, bridges, and other architects. They find themselves in this field and this gives them a feel that they beautify the world, and ease people's' lives by their achievements. Other point is that people work to gain money to enjoy their lives. They can spend money by going to theaters, concerts, visiting other cities or countries, and buying different things they want like fashionable clothes, cars, and others. Enjoyment and satisfaction are other reasons to promote people to work. Finally, work enables people to enhance their social relationships and understand life better. While people are working, they meet a lot of other people from different cultures, colors, and countries. This helps them get to know many of them and make friends whom can depend on if they need them. Furthermore, by interacting with colleagues at work, people would expose to many stances and problems which they need to handle and solve them. By doing this they will enrich their lives with experiences and make them stronger and know how to deal with different problems that may face them in their lives. Accordingly, work develops people's personalities and increases their friendships' circles. To sum up, besides work to live, people work to have safe future, gain experiences, friends, and entertainment. Also to find themselves in different jobs and feel satisfy.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Work
is considered
as one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
Please check whether a plural form of 'part' should be used.
part
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
mainly
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their living,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, which will
be discussed
in this essay.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
safe and secure
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are young, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for future. If they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, it would be difficult to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. And at this point, they would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from their saving for health issues and to depend on themselves and not to be in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is needed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
and have a stable life. The elderly,
in particular
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are not able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and pay for rents.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
a sense of safety and security for their future.

Another reason
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is that to attain
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self satisfaction
and enjoyment. Humans in nature like to discover,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
others, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
achieve
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self satisfaction
through helping others for examples doctors. They treat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to save their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their health status.
Thus
doctors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
that they are like heroes by changing patients'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
to the best. Others like engineer,
for instance
, like to build and design new buildings, bridges, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
architects. They find themselves in this field and this gives them a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
that they beautify the world, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
by their achievements.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Other
point is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to enjoy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. They can spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
by going to theaters, concerts, visiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
cities or countries, and buying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
things they want like fashionable clothes, cars,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
. Enjoyment and satisfaction are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
reasons to promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to work.

Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
enables
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to enhance their social relationships and understand life better. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are working, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
cultures, colors, and countries. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
friends whom can depend on if they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
them.
Furthermore
, by interacting with colleagues at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would expose to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
stances and problems which they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to handle and solve them. By doing this they will enrich their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
with experiences and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them stronger and know how to deal with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
problems that may face them in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
.
Accordingly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
develops
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's personalities and increases their friendships' circles.

To sum up,
besides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to have safe future, gain experiences, friends, and entertainment.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
to find themselves in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
jobs and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
satisfy.
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IELTS essay People work because they need money to live. What are some other reasons that people work? I submitted this essay for the second time after I corrected the spelling and grammar, just to know how much does grammar and spelling affect on the score?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
439 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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  • People work because they need money to live. What are some other reasons that people work ?I submitted this essay for the second time after I corrected the spelling and grammar, just to know how much does grammar and spelling affect on the score?