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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement People today spend too much money on clothing to improve their appearance Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer Be sure to use your own words Do not use memorized examples

People today spend too much money on clothing to improve their appearance Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer Be sure to use your own words Do not use memorized examples donEp
Appearance is one way for people in showing their identity or characteristics to other people. Some even perceive appearances as a method of communication. Due to this, many believe that improving their appearances is important no matter the cost, but I believe that it is unimportant to improve appearances by spending too much money. The reason to why I believe in such way will be elaborated in more detail below. First of all, spending too much money on appearance to fulfill their desire can lead to poor lives. As technology advanced, many people are using the Internet and social media to connect with multiple people. I would like to mention an example of my home country, South Korea, where negative consequences occurred after spending too much money on clothing. With multiple lockdowns due to Covid-19 pandemic, people started devoting their time on watching Youtube videos. This allowed them have a peek in how other people, specifically those who are rich, live. Rich people starring in Youtube videos always wore expensive and pretty clothes many admired, and caused multiple people to grow perspective that wearing such clothes would allow themselves to look rich. People started to spend a fortune on clothing that are way out of their budget only to fulfill their one desire, to look just like those rich people in the videos. Due to this, many people lost their mandatory valuables, such as cars and homes. The only thing they were left with were expensive clothes and nothing else. Second, while outfits may be the first thing that people perceive when meeting a new person, it is not the only aspect people perceive as important. Having a nice characteristic and being smart is also mandatory. In the past, many parents spent their money on improving the personalities of their children. However, due to being able to connect with multiple people as mentioned above, one time relationships has become a popular phenomenon among teenagers. They started rebelling on their parents to force them to spend money on attractive outfits instead of utilizing it for self-improvement purposes. Due to this, many teenagers nowadays are lacking of intelligence and nice personalities. To sum up, while appearance is one of the important factors in perceiving a person, people are spending far too much money on only improving their appearances. This can cause them to live poor lives and have lack of intelligence and nice personality.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Appearance
is one way for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in showing their identity or characteristics to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
even perceive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearances
as a method of communication.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Due
to this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
believe that improving their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearances
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
no matter the cost,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe that it is unimportant to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearances
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. The reason to why I believe in such way will
be elaborated
in more detail below.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
to fulfill their desire can lead to poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. As technology advanced,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are using the Internet and social media to connect with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I would like to mention an example of my home country, South Korea, where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences occurred after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on clothing. With
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multiple
lockdowns
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to Covid-19 pandemic,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
devoting their time on watching
Possible spelling mistake found.
Youtube
videos. This
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
them
Please check whether 'to' is missing here (to allow to do something).
have
a peek in how other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
specifically
those who are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
starring in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Youtube
videos always wore expensive and pretty clothes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
admired, and caused
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to grow perspective that wearing such clothes would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
themselves to look
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to spend a fortune on clothing that are way out of their budget
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
to fulfill their one desire, to look
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the videos.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Due
to this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lost their mandatory valuables, such as cars and homes. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
thing they were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
with were expensive clothes and nothing else.

Second, while outfits may be the
first
thing that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
perceive when meeting a new person, it is not the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
aspect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
perceive as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. Having a nice characteristic and being smart is
also
mandatory. In the past,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents spent their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on improving the personalities of their children.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to being able to connect with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as mentioned above, one time relationships has become a popular phenomenon among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
rebelling on their parents to force them to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on attractive outfits
instead
of utilizing it for self-improvement purposes.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Due
to this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
nowadays are lacking of intelligence and nice personalities.

To sum up, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
is one of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factors in perceiving a person,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
far too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
improving their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearances
. This can cause them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
and have lack of intelligence and nice personality.
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IELTS essay People today spend too much money on clothing to improve their appearance Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer Be sure to use your own words Do not use memorized examples

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
402 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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  • Do you agree or disagree with the following statement People today spend too much money on clothing to improve their appearance Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer Be sure to use your own words Do not use memorized examples