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People believe that sport is an essential part of school life for children, while others feel it should be purely optional. v.2

People believe that sport is an essential part of school life for children, while others feel it should be purely optional. v. 2
Many schools have implemented compulsory physical activities as part of their curriculum. while some individuals believe it should be rightly so, others feel every child should choose whether or not they would like to participate. My opinion is that every child should be exposed to some form of sport to encourage the habit of exercising. This essay will discuss my opinion and also, why people may think every child should be given a choice instead of being forced. 55 One of the reasons why some individuals may feel sports should be optional is some children are bad at sports and can unnecessarily get injured doing it. They believe that the child should partake in activities that are pleasing to them, instead of wasting time doing what they dislike. An example is a secondary school classmate of mine who was forced to join the football team, he not only played terribly and caused his team to lose but also ended up getting injured. The injury was so severe he required admission at a federal hospital in our community where he received treatment for 2 weeks. 96 However, the importance of mandatory sports is to encourage the habit of exercising in the young. unless these activities are forcefully included, most young people do not exercise. They spend most of their time in front of electronic devices watching tv and playing video games all day. In a recent research conducted by university of Michigan, results show a significant increase in the number of obese children. The inactivity of children has led to many dying from weight related conditions. A sad victim was my neighbor, uche, who passed away last week from a condition related to sedentary living. To conclude, although children should be given the chance to pick which sport they should participate in, they should not have the option of not doing any sport. This is because physical activities is very important and should be a part of everyone’s daily routine.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
schools have implemented compulsory physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
as part of their curriculum.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals believe it should be
rightly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, others feel every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
should choose
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
they would like to participate. My opinion is that every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
should
be exposed
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
form of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
to encourage the habit of exercising. This essay will discuss my opinion and
also
, why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a choice
instead
of
being forced
. 55

One of the reasons why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals may feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should be optional is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and can
unnecessarily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
injured doing it. They believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
should partake in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that
The verb 'pleasing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are pleasing
to them,
instead
of wasting time doing what they dislike. An example is a secondary school classmate of mine who
was forced
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the football team, he not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
played
terribly
and caused his team to lose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
ended up getting injured. The injury was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
severe he required admission at a federal hospital in our community where he received treatment for 2 weeks. 96

However
, the importance of mandatory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is to encourage the habit of exercising in the young.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
unless
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are
forcefully
included, most young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not exercise. They spend most of their time in front of electronic devices watching
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
and playing video games all day. In a recent research conducted by
If the term is a proper noun, use the suggested capitalization.
university of Michigan
, results
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
a significant increase in the number of obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The inactivity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
has led to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
dying from weight related conditions. A sad victim was my neighbor,
Possible spelling mistake found.
uche
, who passed away last week from a condition related to sedentary living.

To conclude
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the chance to pick which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
they should participate in, they should not have the option of not doing any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and should be a part of everyone’s daily routine.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay People believe that sport is an essential part of school life for children, while others feel it should be purely optional. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
329 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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