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People believe that sport is an essential part of school life for children, while others feel it should be purely optional. v.1

People believe that sport is an essential part of school life for children, while others feel it should be purely optional. v. 1
It is often said that people who work in the entertainment industry such as movie stars, musicians, and sports stars are being overpaid. This essay discusses why I think they are paid too much money and then I will describe other occupations that I think should receive higher salaries. There are two reasons why I feel the salaries are too high. The main reason is because the entertainers’ income does not reflect the amount of work they do. For instance, a top star movie like Angelina Jolie can easily make one million dollars by acting in a single film. This amount may never be reached by many people during their life no matter how hard working they are. In addition, if we base a person’s income according to their relative contribution to society the incomes of entertainers seem too high. This is because entertainment is not as important to our society as much as other fields such as science and technology. There are other professions that are worthy to be paid more for their work. More specifically, people who make a big contribution to society should be rewarded more. For instance, since doctors can save lives and give people hope, they should receive a high amount to reflect the meaningful contributions they make. Another type of occupation deserving to receive a good salary is those who bear large responsibilities. For example, teachers who contribute to the education of the next generation seem to be underpaid. In summary, entertainers do not offer anything greater than other people who are working in other industries. As a result, I agree that society is overpaying the people in the entertainment industry. Finally, it is recommended that people who work hard should be rewarded appropriately and the gap in benefits between different types of jobs should not be too significant.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
said that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in the entertainment industry such as movie stars, musicians, and sports stars are being overpaid. This essay discusses why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
they
are paid
too much money and then I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
occupations that I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
should receive higher salaries.

There are two reasons why I feel the salaries are too high. The main reason is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the entertainers’ income does not reflect the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
they do.
For instance
, a top star movie like Angelina Jolie can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
one million dollars by acting in a single film. This amount may never
be reached
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
during their life no matter how
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
they are.
In addition
, if we base a person’s income according to their relative contribution to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
the incomes of entertainers seem too high. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
entertainment is not as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
as much as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
fields such as science and technology.

There are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professions that are worthy to
be paid
more for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. More
specifically
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
contribution to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
should
be rewarded
more.
For instance
, since doctors can save
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
hope, they should receive a high amount to reflect the meaningful contributions they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
. Another type of occupation deserving to receive a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
salary is those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
bear large responsibilities.
For example
, teachers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
contribute to the education of the
next
generation seem to be underpaid.

In summary, entertainers do not offer anything greater than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are working in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
industries.
As a result
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is overpaying the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the entertainment industry.
Finally
, it
is recommended
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
should
be rewarded
appropriately
and the gap in benefits between
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of jobs should not be too significant.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay People believe that sport is an essential part of school life for children, while others feel it should be purely optional. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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