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People aim to achieve the balance between their work and lives, but few people achieve it. What are the causes of the problems? How to overcome it?

People aim to achieve the balance between their work and lives, but few people achieve it. What are the causes of the problems? How to overcome it? 2Y1M
In this contemperory world, it is generally acknowledged that attaining a stability between personal and professional life is focus by invididuals while, some of them fail to acheive it. There are several reasons behind this issue and possible solutions discuss in forthcoming paragraphs. The contemporary social environment should be responsible for the imbalance between work and life. Specifically, due to education reform, more people are able to attend university and own a high education, which lead to the growing fierce competition. In order to survive in competition in workplace, working people need to devote more time to improve their work overcomes. Working overtime has become a common phenomenon; furthermore, since we now live in a consumerism society, people face more material temptation than before. In order to fulfill their material desires, some people choose to sacrifice their personal time to work to earn more money. Consequently, due to the competitive working environment and material pursuit, people have less time to spend with family or do household works. There is no doubt that these lifestyles negatively influence on people’s physical and mental health, therefore this situation has to be changed. To begin with, people need to establish correct values toward money and family. If someone does not understand that the aim of work if for better life, he/she would never be succeeds in balancing work and life. Reasonable allocation of time and work more efficiently could also help people save time. Furthermore, governments should impose laws about limiting working time to guarantee sufficient rest time for working people. In conclusion, fierce competition and material desires are the reasons why most people fail to achieve work-life balance. In order to address this problem, both governments and individuals should make effort.
In this
Possible spelling mistake found.
contemperory
world, it is
generally
acknowledged that attaining a stability between personal and professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is focus by
Possible spelling mistake found.
invididuals
while,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them fail to
Possible spelling mistake found.
acheive
it. There are several reasons behind this issue and possible solutions discuss in forthcoming paragraphs. The contemporary social environment should be responsible for the imbalance between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Specifically
, due to education reform, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are able to attend university and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
a high education, which lead to the growing fierce competition. In order to survive in competition in workplace,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to devote more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
overcomes.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Working
overtime has become a common phenomenon;
furthermore
, since we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a consumerism society,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
face more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
material
temptation than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. In order to fulfill their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
material
desires,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose to sacrifice their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to earn more money.
Consequently
, due to the competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
environment and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
material
pursuit,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to spend with family or do household works.

There is no doubt that these lifestyles
negatively
influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
physical and mental health,
therefore
this situation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to establish correct values toward money and family. If someone does not understand that the aim of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
if for better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, he/she would never be succeeds in balancing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Reasonable allocation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
more
efficiently
could
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should impose laws about limiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to guarantee sufficient rest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, fierce competition and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
material
desires are the reasons why most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
fail to achieve work-life balance. In order to address this problem, both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and individuals should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
effort.
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IELTS essay People aim to achieve the balance between their work and lives, but few people achieve it. What are the causes of the problems? How to overcome it?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
288 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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