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Nowadays the restaurant and supermarket offer money to schools, to promote their products . negative or positive development

Nowadays the restaurant and supermarket offer money to schools, to promote their products. negative or positive development wM3Qr
In this contemporary era, the consumption of junk food has been increasing at an alarming rate. It is said that nowadays restaurants and market offer capital to schools in order to increased the seal of their products. In my opinion, it is a negative development however there are some merits of it. I will scrutinize my perspectives in upcoming paragraphs. To commence with, there are plethora of negative influence of this phenomena. First and the foremost is health issues. As children are never care about their diet. They always preferred the pre packaged food instead of homemade food. As the fast food contain harmful ingredients, which is a cause of numerous chronic diseases such as obesity heart regarding issues. if the school canteen provide these food of this kind of food at school then obviously, children are attracted to eat them. Consequently, the performance of pupils in studies declined owing to health problems. To illustrate, in Canada more than 50% students daily spend their whole pocket money to purchase the canned food. Apart from it, this is also harmful for the relationship of parents and offspring. As, the children always wants to eat the junk food and the parents not allowed them. Thus, kids become stubborn and they do not listen to their parents even sometimes they follow the wrong path. Hence, it is negative development. On the other hand, there are few positive repercussion of this approach. However, the predominant is the huge profits to restaurants and the market. If kids purchase the products which are offered by the company's then they may be motivated to sale more products in all over the world. Hence, the GDP rate of the country's increase and it leads positive effects on the lifestyle of the of the society. To recapitulate, no doubt, there are more negative sides of this approach. So, I believe that the school's management should always give priority to the health of the people's rather than profits.
In this contemporary era, the consumption of junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
has been increasing at an alarming rate. It
is said
that nowadays restaurants and market offer capital to schools in order
Did you mean "to increase"?
to increased
the seal of their products. In my opinion, it is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
development
however
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
merits of it. I will scrutinize my perspectives in upcoming paragraphs. To commence with, there are plethora of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
influence of
Did you mean "these"?
this
phenomena.
First
and the foremost is health issues.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
children are never
Consider using a past participle here: "cared".
care
about their diet. They always preferred the
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
pre packaged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
instead
of homemade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. As the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
contain harmful ingredients, which is a cause of numerous chronic diseases such as obesity heart regarding issues.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
if
the school canteen provide these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
of this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
at school then
obviously
, children
are attracted
to eat them.
Consequently
, the performance of pupils in studies declined owing to health problems. To illustrate, in Canada more than 50% students daily spend their whole pocket money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
the canned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. Apart from it, this is
also
harmful for the relationship of parents and offspring. As, the children always wants to eat the junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and the parents not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
them.
Thus
, kids become
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
stubborn and
they do not listen to their parents even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
they follow the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
path.
Hence
, it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
development.
On the other hand
, there are few
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
repercussion of this approach.
However
, the predominant is the huge profits to restaurants and the market. If kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
the products which
are offered
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's then they may
be motivated
to sale more products in all over the world.
Hence
, the GDP rate of the country's increase and it leads
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects on the lifestyle
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only "of the".
of the of the
society. To recapitulate, no doubt, there are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
sides of this approach.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I believe that the school's management should always give priority to the health of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
rather
than profits.
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IELTS essay Nowadays the restaurant and supermarket offer money to schools, to promote their products. negative or positive development

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
328 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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