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Nowadays, many cities have become less pleasant place to live.What is problem? What is your suggestion?

Nowadays, many cities have become less pleasant place to live. What is problem? What is your suggestion? 2N6j
It is can not be denied that the amount of people who live in the cities is increasing in spite of some drawbacks. These days, many cities have became unpleasant to live because of that disadvantages. There are some reasons why living in the cities is no longer the best choice. First of all, the most noticeable reason is pollution includes air pollution, noise pollution and water contamination. Nowadays, the number of factories and vehicles is increasing. The smog that they produce affects directly to our health. For example, people who are living in a dusty environment are tended to suffer from respiratory illness and other health problems. Moreover, citizens are facing the rise of crimes rate. Big cities are colliding with this serious problem. There are more and more kidnappings are recorded in big cities so parents are afraid to let their children go out to play. Burglaries are one of the dangerous criminal acts that people may have to confront if they live in the city. What is needed to prevent these problems is definite action. Governments could implement stricter laws and penalties. It is obvious that people are afraid of being in prison and being punished. In addition, people could raise themselves awareness to combat with the crimes. In order to solve the environmental problems, citizens should change from personal means of transport to public transport. Furthermore, governments could grow more trees, create more green space to purify the air. In conclusion, living in big cities have became less pleasant because of many reasons. However, cities are worth places to live in if governments and each citizens have awareness of stopping these drawbacks.
It is
Consider using a past participle here: "canned".
can
not
be denied
that the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
is increasing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks. These days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
have
Use past participle here: "become".
became
unpleasant to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that disadvantages.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons why living in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
is no longer the best choice.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the most noticeable reason is pollution includes air pollution, noise pollution and water contamination. Nowadays, the number of factories and vehicles is increasing. The smog that they produce affects
directly
to our health.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are living in a dusty environment
are tended
to suffer from respiratory illness and other health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
Moreover
, citizens are facing the rise of crimes rate.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
are colliding with this serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. There are more and more kidnappings
are recorded
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
parents are afraid to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their children go out to play. Burglaries are one of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
criminal acts that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
confront if they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in the city.

What
is needed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
action.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
could implement stricter laws and penalties. It is obvious that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are afraid of being in prison and
being punished
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could raise themselves awareness to combat with the crimes. In order to solve the environmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, citizens should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
from personal means of transport to public transport.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
could grow more trees, create more green space to purify the air.

In conclusion
, living in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
have
Use past participle here: "become".
became
less pleasant
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
are worth places to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "citizen"?
citizens
have awareness of stopping these drawbacks.
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IELTS essay Nowadays, many cities have become less pleasant place to live. What is problem? What is your suggestion?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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