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Nowadays an increasing number of people are changing their careers during their working life period. what are the reasons behind this trend? it generally positive or negative trend? v.2

Nowadays an increasing number of people are changing their careers during their working life period. what are the reasons behind this trend? it generally positive or negative trend? v. 2
In recent times individuals making changes in their occupation while still in active service have increased because of the quest to earn better pay check, but this move has less benefits and more drawbacks as individuals might lack adequate skill in the new profession. These days individuals are moving from one occupation to another because of earning a better pay. In other words, people leave less lucrative ones, and they take up that which will fetch them more funds. This is done in other that they meet their financial obligations. For instance, my cousin, who read English education in the university, switched to information technology because the pay is more, thus, abandoning his certificate in English education. Therefore, the quest to earn more money could make one leave one career path for another. Nevertheless, this changing occupation trend generally has more downsides than upsides. This is because people do not have enough knowledge in the field, and it could hinder their efficiency. Meaning individuals would have to learn on the job to become efficient. For example, an individual who studied Arts at the university, but decides to take up a job in a bank because of better pay would have to start learning the process involved in banking, and this can impair productivity. So, the drawbacks of changing career are more than the benefits. In conclusion, the quest to earn more money propels people to change their career paths whilst in active service. This trend is more negative than positive as these individuals understand little or nothing about the profession they are venturing into.
In recent times
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in their occupation while
still
in active service have increased
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the quest to earn better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
has
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun benefits is countable.
less
benefits and more drawbacks as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
might lack adequate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
in the new profession.

These days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
are moving from one occupation to another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of earning a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
.
In other words
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
less lucrative ones, and they take up that which will fetch them more funds. This
is done
in other that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their financial obligations.
For instance
, my cousin, who read English education in the university, switched to information technology
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
is more,
thus
, abandoning his certificate in English education.
Therefore
, the quest to earn more money could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
one career path for another.

Nevertheless
, this changing occupation trend
generally
has more downsides than upsides. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
knowledge in the field, and it could hinder their efficiency. Meaning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
learn on the job to become efficient.
For example
, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
who studied Arts at the university,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
decides to take up a job in a bank
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pay
would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
learning the process involved in banking, and this can impair productivity.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the drawbacks of changing career are more than the benefits.

In conclusion
, the quest to earn more money propels
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their career paths whilst in active service. This trend is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
as these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
understand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
or nothing about the profession they are venturing into.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays an increasing number of people are changing their careers during their working life period. what are the reasons behind this trend? it generally positive or negative trend? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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