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Now-a-days celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than their achievement, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

It is argued that stars these days are well-known for there allure and prosperity more than their success, and this influence youngsters negatively. I completely agree with this opinion and think that these effects society adversely. Firstly, big-shots these days do not have much talents but excelled in there fields because of hereditary. Many are famous for there luxurious lifestyles and riches more than there skills. They set dreadful example for people, For Instance, the litigations they have in drug cases influence younger generations and encourage them and hereafter they start following there favourite actors which effects there life and motivates them to do things which mislead there life. As these generations are trendsetters in future because of there influence they move in a wrong path which effects the community. Secondly, there are renowned who are down to earth and has abundant talent and looks after society with good deeds. Many famous stars run charitable trusts and perform welfare programmes to help needy. For example, Ratan Tata Indian Industrialist who is the chairperson of Tata groups is renowned for this welfare. 66 percent of all his earnings are given to poor and destitute and he leads a unadorned lifestyle he made his journey in Economy class, Even-though he had a business grandeur. They are such people who inspires people of all age groups. To conclude, I strongly believe that present generations get affected more because of celebs as they influence inappropriately by there treasure and glam.
It
is argued
that stars these days are well-known for there allure and prosperity more than their success, and this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
youngsters
negatively
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that these
An apostrophe may be missing.
effects
society
adversely
.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
-shots these days do not have
Use “many” with countable plural nouns like ‘talents’.
much
talents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
excelled in
Did you mean “their”?
there
fields
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of hereditary.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
for there luxurious lifestyles and riches more than
Did you mean “their”?
there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. They set dreadful example for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
For Instance
, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
litigations
they have in drug cases
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
younger generations and encourage them and hereafter they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
following there
Possible spelling mistake. ‘favourite’ is British English.
favourite
actors which effects there life and motivates them to do things which mislead there life.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
these generations are trendsetters in future
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of there
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
path which effects the community.
Secondly
, there
are renowned
who are down to earth and has abundant talent and looks after society with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
deeds.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
stars run charitable trusts and perform welfare
Possible spelling mistake. ‘programmes’ is British English.
programmes
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
needy.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ratan
Tata Indian Industrialist who is the chairperson of Tata groups
is renowned
for this welfare. 66 percent of all his earnings are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to poor and
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
destitute and
he leads
Use “an” instead of ‘a’ if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. ‘an article’, ‘an hour’.
a
unadorned lifestyle he made his journey in Economy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, Even-though he had a business grandeur. They are such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
Did you mean “inspire”? Alternatively, check whether the singular of ‘people’ should be used.
inspires
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of all age groups.
To conclude
, I
strongly
believe that present generations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of celebs as they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
influence
inappropriately
by there treasure and glam.
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IELTS essay Now-a-days celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than their achievement, and this sets a bad example to young people. with this statement?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
246 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • Now-a-days celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than their achievement, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?