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More people put their personal information online e q address telephone number for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes is this positive or negative development

More people put their personal information online e q address telephone number for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes is this positive or negative development gpq3
It is often considered that people often try to put their private information on the internet for different kind of activities and situations even if it doesn’t appeal to you at all. In my opinion, I believe this is a positive development that technology is way more advantageous for various situations in mankind. First of all, using the internet for the day to day life is like a time-saving machine which everyone trying to get. Rather than waiting a long queue for money transaction, within one-minute people can send money anywhere all over the world. Moreover, the youth generation more tends to have a lot of friends than fewer because they can easily befriend thousands of people through social networking within less time. For example, during the COVID-19 pandemic, we experienced a quarantine period, at that time I made around 1200 new friends through Facebook and Instagram platforms and my father also expanded his business with the help of online banking although he couldn’t take any step out of the home. That’s why it is more important to use social networks and online banking with our personal information. Secondly, the internet is always the fastest way to reach people. In other words, when an emergency if that person was put his information online, it can be reached faster. Otherwise, it can be done through a lot of people or lead to a bad situation. And also, people will be alerted to different kind of matters if they are using online banking. For instance, last month one of my friends’ credit card was hacked. She had no idea until a bank member visited her home to inform her because she was not using online banking at that time. Thus, the importance of using social networks and online banking with putting personal information outweigh the drawback of not in a long-term perspective.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
considered that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
try to put their private information on the internet for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kind of activities and situations even if it doesn’t appeal to you at all. In my opinion, I believe this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development that technology is way more advantageous for various situations in mankind.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, using the internet for the
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
life is like a time-saving machine which everyone trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
.
Rather
than waiting a long queue for money transaction, within one-minute
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
money anywhere all over the world.
Moreover
, the youth generation more tends to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
friends than fewer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can
easily
befriend thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
through social networking within less time.
For example
, during the COVID-19 pandemic, we experienced a quarantine period, at that time I made around 1200 new friends through Facebook and Instagram platforms and my father
also
expanded his business with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
banking
although he couldn’t take any step out of the home. That’s why it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
social networks and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
banking
with our personal information.

Secondly
, the internet is always the fastest way to reach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
In other words
, when an emergency if that person
was put
his information
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
, it can
be reached
faster.
Otherwise
, it can
be done
through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
or lead to a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
situation. And
also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
be alerted
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kind of matters if they are using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
banking
.
For instance
, last month one of my friends’ credit card
was hacked
. She had no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
until a bank member visited her home to inform her
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she was not using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
banking
at that time.
Thus
, the importance of using social networks and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
banking
with putting personal information outweigh the drawback of not
The usual preposition for "perspective" is "from" not "in." "from a long-term perspective".
in a long-term perspective
.
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IELTS essay More people put their personal information online e q address telephone number for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes is this positive or negative development

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
310 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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