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Many wild animals are on the verge of extinction. What are some reasons for this? How can animals be protected?

Many wild animals are on the verge of extinction. What are some reasons for this? How can animals be protected? XGqKP
It is ironic that even though majority of wild animals are way stronger than humans, they are facing a dark void of extinction. Despite the fact that wild animals play a significant role to preserve natural environment, human greed and interference has led to disappearance of many. I personally think it is cruel and inhumane and this ought to be phased out. However, in this essay I will discuss the probable causes and solutions for the same. Exotic animal trade is a primary reason for the reduction in numbers of many. Since, many wild animals are popular for their aesthetic and commercial value, like fur, teeth, bones and skin; they are either bartered or trafficked by desperate profit-driven individuals or hunters in order to make money. Elephants for instance, are not only illegally traded but also brutalized in the process of obtaining their tusks for Ivory, consequently leading to indiscriminate killing of many. Second reason is human intervention in previously unexploited areas, which means urban sprawl, industrialisation, farming and logging contribute to the destruction of habitat, making survival of certain species challenging. Penguins for instance, are in the endangered list, as global warming poses a threat for their survival. This is slowly leading to decimation of animals. Saving these endangered species is crucial for protecting the ecosystem. Firstly, individuals should not purchase any products made like tortoise shell, coral, ivory, which, are made from endangered species to stop wildlife trafficking from being a profitable enterprise. Despite the ban on Ivory, many people continue to trade them. Secondly, it is imperative for the governments to step forward and take stern actions against poaching of these animals. Bold decisions must be made by the government for a sustainable wildlife. To conclude, human activities such as mindless hunting, deforestation and wildlife trade are the primary reasons for extinction of these animals and can only be resolved with a joint effort of both government and individual awareness.
It is ironic that
even though
majority of wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are way stronger than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
, they are facing a dark void of extinction. Despite the fact that wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
play a significant role to preserve natural environment,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
greed and interference has led to disappearance of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is cruel and inhumane and this ought to
be phased
out.
However
, in this essay I will discuss the probable causes and solutions for the same.

Exotic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
trade is a primary reason for the reduction in numbers of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
. Since,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
wild
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are popular for their aesthetic and commercial value, like fur, teeth, bones and skin; they are either bartered or trafficked by desperate profit-driven individuals or hunters in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money. Elephants
for instance
, are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
illegally
traded
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
brutalized in the process of obtaining their tusks for Ivory,
consequently
leading to indiscriminate killing of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
. Second reason is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
intervention in previously unexploited areas, which means urban sprawl,
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialisation' is British English.
industrialisation
, farming and logging contribute to the destruction of habitat, making survival of certain species challenging. Penguins
for instance
, are in the endangered list, as global warming poses a threat for their survival. This is
slowly
leading to decimation of animals.

Saving these endangered species is crucial for protecting the ecosystem.
Firstly
, individuals should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
any products made like tortoise shell, coral, ivory, which,
are made
from endangered species to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
wildlife trafficking from being a profitable enterprise. Despite the ban on Ivory,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
continue to trade them.
Secondly
, it is imperative for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
to step forward and take stern actions against poaching of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
. Bold decisions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be made
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
for a sustainable wildlife.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
activities such as mindless hunting, deforestation and wildlife trade are the primary reasons for extinction of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be resolved
with a joint effort of both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and individual awareness.
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IELTS essay Many wild animals are on the verge of extinction. What are some reasons for this? How can animals be protected?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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