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Many university students cannot find a job in their chosen profession What factors may have caused this situation and what in your opinion should be done about it v.1

Many university students cannot find a job in their chosen profession What factors may have caused this situation and what in your opinion should be done about it v. 1
Everyone needs to work to survive in a society. However, the motivation to do so can be different for each individual. While some work for earning money and affording stuffs, others rank passion higher than the monetary aspect of a job. I personally feel job satisfaction is more significant than a person's salary package and this essay will further discuss this statement. To begin with, I believe the one can one touch the zenith of success, if he is passionate about what he is doing. Hence, to excel in a career, a person should choose something he is ardent about because skills are indispensable and money would ultimately start pouring if a person is skilful. To illustrate, consider the example of a web developer who is adept in his work and knows multiple programming language can easily get a position of his choice. Secondly, a person should do what he can continue doing for a long period of time, else he will end up getting frustrated from his job. One should always consider asking this question before entering or starting a new venture that can he continue with the same kind of work for the next 50 years of his life? And if the answer is no, he should reconsider it irrespective of his great salary package. In conclusion, every individual should consider job satisfaction more important than the salary as it is difficult to grow in a profession if contentedness is missing and he would not be able to pursue it for a long span just for the sake of money.
Everyone needs to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to survive in a society.
However
, the motivation to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
for each individual. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for earning money and affording stuffs, others rank passion higher than the monetary aspect of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. I
personally
feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction is more significant than a person's salary package and this essay will
further
discuss this statement.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, I believe the one can one touch the zenith of success, if he is passionate about what he is doing.
Hence
, to excel in a career, a person should choose something he is ardent about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are indispensable and money would
ultimately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
pouring if a person is
Possible spelling mistake. 'skilful' is British English.
skilful
. To illustrate, consider the example of a web developer who is adept in his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and knows multiple programming language can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a position of his choice.

Secondly
, a person should do what he can continue doing for a long period of time, else he will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up getting frustrated from his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. One should always consider asking this question
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
entering or starting a new venture that can he continue with the same kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for the
next
50 years of his life? And if the answer is no, he should reconsider it irrespective of his great salary package.

In conclusion
, every individual should consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than the salary as it is difficult to grow in a profession if contentedness is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
missing and
he would not be able to pursue it for a long span
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for the sake of money.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Many university students cannot find a job in their chosen profession What factors may have caused this situation and what in your opinion should be done about it v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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