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Many people are moving to abroad they should accept there

Many people are moving to abroad they should accept there 2rm2j
Nowadays it is a trend to move and live in another country among educated peoples. Owing to this some country has become cosmopolitan societies. In the current scenario some people opined that immigrants should gel up with host nation where others says to live as a minority with own lifestyle. I agree that immigrants should accept new culture. In this essay I shall put forth my arguments to support my view. First of all, considering it as paramount need, to get employment one need to understand and follow customs of the host country. Nations have different work cultures and ethics, which are part of their business strategies, therefore, it is necessary to accept before accepting job. Secondly, new society have different food, attire and festivals. Adopting such social attributes makes people more knowledgeable and it also broadens the horizon, consequently it makes life more meaningful. Apart from this, as human is a social animal, accepting new culture gives more opportunities to interact with local people and to build rapport with them, which finally forms harmonious and productive relations. Finally more people with common culture makes less conflicts and social issues which is good for maintaining law and order. On the other hand, keeping own culture and tradition alive is also essential. It give sense of identity. Additionally, own culture provides comforts and confidence. Individuals also can avoid culture shock by living as separate minority group with own lifestyle. In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that accepting new cultures and customs provides people with more opportunities related to work and socializing, therefore it is advisable to accept it.
Nowadays it is a trend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in another country among educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
. Owing to this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
country has become cosmopolitan societies. In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
scenario
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opined that immigrants should gel up with host nation where others
Possible agreement error. You should probably use: "say".
says
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
as a minority with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
lifestyle. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that immigrants should accept
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
. In this essay I shall put forth my arguments to support my view.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, considering it as paramount need, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
employment one need to understand and follow customs of the host country. Nations have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and ethics, which are part of their business strategies,
therefore
, it is necessary to accept
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
accepting job.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
society have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
food, attire and festivals. Adopting such social attributes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more knowledgeable and it
also
broadens the horizon,
consequently
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
life more meaningful.

Apart from this, as human is a social animal, accepting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
gives more opportunities to interact with local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and to build rapport with them, which
finally
forms harmonious and productive relations.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Finally
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun conflicts is countable.
less
conflicts and social issues which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for maintaining law and order.

On the other hand
, keeping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and tradition alive is
also
essential. It
Did you mean "gives"?
give
sense of identity.
Additionally
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
provides comforts and confidence. Individuals
also
can avoid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
shock by living as separate minority group with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
lifestyle.

In conclusion
, I would like to reiterate that accepting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and customs provides
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with more opportunities related to work and socializing,
therefore
it is advisable to accept it.
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IELTS essay Many people are moving to abroad they should accept there

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
268 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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