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Many countries have compulsory military service for men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men and possibly women. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Many countries have compulsory military service for men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men and possibly women. KOl3
These days, the majority of people prefer to work for themselves comparing to work for an employer in a company or organization. Despite its supportive causes, there are some drawbacks of being self-employed which will be elaborated on this essay. The primar reason of choosing to be self-employed is that there is a high possibility for people to derive job satisfaction if they are not forced to work by employer. In fact, self-employed people are offered high income which is the main factor in becoming workaholic. Since, most of the jobs do not have demand that means workers would have an opportunity to work in any time and spend time also for self-development by not only experiencing in practice, but also acquiring valuable insights relating to their job with such theory. For instance, today's many businessmen's success is linked with self-improvement that is enhanced by attending seminars and courses in which businessmen share their knowledge and ideas that help them to increase their income. Even though there are some benefits, being self-employed also has some demerits. Firstly, most of the beginners of business do not have a chance to access excellent workplace. Instead, adverse conditions of workplace which lead to depression, as a result sick building syndrome in company. Because, government might provide employees with good working conditions from their own income whereas people who rent a building is reverse as they have to facilitate it on their own, even by taking credit. Secondly, self-employed people are not guaranteed with job security due to having no responsibility from government while full-time workers, blue-collar workers are provided with it before being employed in job where their documents are kepy safely. In conclusion, although the main reasons of choosing self-employement are associated with it's disadvantages by such high income and self-improvement that lead to job satisfaction, some demerits such as adverse working condition and not having job security can cause some difficulties.
These days, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for themselves comparing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for an employer in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
or organization. Despite its supportive causes, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks of being self-employed which will
be elaborated
on this essay. The
Possible spelling mistake found.
primar
reason of choosing to be self-employed is that there is a high possibility for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to derive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction if they are not forced to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
by employer. In fact, self-employed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are offered
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
which is the main factor in becoming workaholic. Since, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
do not have demand that means workers would have an opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in any time and spend time
also
for self-development by not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
experiencing in practice,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
acquiring valuable insights relating to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
with such theory.
For instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
businessmen's success
is linked
with self-improvement that
is enhanced
by attending seminars and courses in which businessmen share their knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to increase their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
.
Even though
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits, being self-employed
also
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
demerits.
Firstly
, most of the beginners of business do not have a chance to access excellent workplace.
Instead
, adverse conditions of workplace which lead to depression,
as a result
sick building syndrome in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
might provide employees with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
working conditions from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who rent a building is reverse as they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
facilitate it on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
, even by taking credit.
Secondly
, self-employed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not guaranteed with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
security due to having no responsibility from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
while full-time workers, blue-collar workers
are provided
with it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
being employed
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
where their documents are
Possible spelling mistake found.
kepy
safely
.
In conclusion
, although the main reasons of choosing
Possible spelling mistake found.
self-employement
are associated
Did you mean "with its disadvantages"?
with it's disadvantages
by such high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
and self-improvement that lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
demerits such as adverse working condition and not having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
security can cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
difficulties.
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IELTS essay Many countries have compulsory military service for men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men and possibly women.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
320 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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