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It is commonly believed that nowadays main factors that affect a child's development are media, pop culture and friends. A different point of view is that family plays the most significant role. Discuss both views and give your opinion

ANSWER The majority of people believe that child’s behaviour is affected by media, pop-culture and friends. Others think that family plays an important role. I believe that while social media is becoming increasingly used and changing young people’s mind, family upbringing is the most fundamental factor. Firstly, in the contemporary world, technology is widely used by the youth. The emerging of social media such as Facebook, Instagram and twitter has negatively affected children’s behaviour. These sites has alot of fake news and immoral acts. For example, a child can be coaxed to join a group which deals with drugs or money laundering in order to earn easy money. In addition, children spend most of their time with friends from different backgrounds at school. They eventually begin copying some of their cultures which are unacceptable by their community. For instance, a western child living among Africans will practically start imitating African culture. On the other hand, family is the root to children’s moral behaviour. If the family has bad habits like smoking and drinking alcohol, they assume it as normal, likewise if they are prayerful and respectable, they get used and grow with it. Study has revealed that child’s upbringing is the main factor to his moral act. Most of the families who practise bad habits their kids end up the same. However, a well behaved prayerful, respectable family is more likely to bring about behaved children to the community. To conclude, most people belive that the youth’s interference with media, friends and pop culture is ruining their behavior. Others think that family is the key to child’s moral conduct. I believe that while social media, peer pressure is contributing to bad character. Family should set up strict rules to be followed by their young ones and they should monitor them on their social media activities.
ANSWER

The majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
, pop-culture and friends. Others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role. I believe that while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is becoming
increasingly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
and changing young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s mind,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
upbringing is the most fundamental factor.

Firstly
, in the contemporary world, technology is
widely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by the youth. The emerging of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
such as Facebook, Instagram and twitter has
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. These sites
You should probably use "have", "haven".
has
Possible spelling mistake found.
alot
of fake news and immoral acts.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
can
be coaxed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
a group which deals with drugs or money laundering in order to earn easy money.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend most of their time with friends from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
backgrounds at school. They
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
copying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of their cultures which are unacceptable by their community.
For instance
, a western
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
living among Africans will
practically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
imitating African culture.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is the root to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
moral
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits like smoking and drinking alcohol, they assume it as normal,
likewise
if they are prayerful and respectable, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
and grow with it. Study has revealed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
upbringing is the main factor to his moral act. Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
who
Possible spelling mistake. 'practise' is British English.
practise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits their kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up the same.
However
, a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well behaved
prayerful, respectable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is more likely to bring about behaved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to the community.

To conclude
, most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
Possible spelling mistake found.
belive
that the youth’s interference with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
, friends and pop culture is ruining their behavior. Others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is the key to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
moral conduct. I believe that while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
, peer pressure is contributing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
character.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Family
should set up strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
to
be followed
by their young
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
ones and
they should monitor them on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
activities.
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IELTS essay It is commonly believed that nowadays main factors that affect a child's development are media, pop culture and friends. A different point of view is that family plays the most significant role. Discuss both views and give your opinion

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
305 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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