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In this modern world, people are allowing children to make their own decisions on living, sports and entertainment that resulting children in the state of selfishness .

In this modern world, people are allowing children to make their own decisions on living, sports and entertainment that resulting children in the state of selfishness. oRbgB
In this modern world, people are allowing children to make their own decisions on living, sports and entertainment that resulting children in the state of selfishness. some people believe that they want the children to make decisions about matters that bring change in them. In this essay, I will discuss both sides of public opinion. Firstly, I will discuss why people think it is leading to a society of selfishness and secondly, I will explore about decisions that affecting children. First of all, everybody should give freedom to children to make their own decision. But, some people believe that this is leading the society that thinks only about their own wishes. For example, my younger brother, who is 8 years old, always wants to watch his favourite shows. If we try to change the show, he will be frustrated and depressed. This kind of attitude doesn't help him in the long run. Recent implication found that the children whose age is less than 10 are more likely to get depressed because of this kind of behaviour. On the other hand, many people believe that children are allowed to make their own decisions that affect them. For instance, my elder brother, who is an entrepreneur working on climate research and building products. He started this, when he was 12 years old. As a result, he got exposure to the different kind of situations in everyday life and can be deal with it easily. In my opinion, children should have their individual rights to make their own decisions but they should not forget giving back to their society.
In this modern world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
on living, sports and entertainment that resulting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the state of selfishness.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that they want the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
about matters that bring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in them. In this essay, I will discuss both sides of public opinion.
Firstly
, I will discuss why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is leading to a society of selfishness and
secondly
, I will explore about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
that affecting children.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, everybody should give freedom to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decision
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that this is leading the society that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
wishes.
For example
, my younger brother, who is 8 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, always wants to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
his
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
. If we try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
, he will
be frustrated
and depressed. This kind of attitude doesn't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
him in the long run. Recent implication found that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whose age is less than 10 are more likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
depressed
because of this
kind of
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
that affect them.
For instance
, my elder brother, who is an entrepreneur working on climate research and building products. He
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
this, when he was 12 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
As a result
, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
exposure to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kind of situations in everyday life and can be
Consider using a past participle here: "dealt".
deal
with it
easily
.

In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should have their individual rights to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they should not forget giving back to their society.
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IELTS essay In this modern world, people are allowing children to make their own decisions on living, sports and entertainment that resulting children in the state of selfishness.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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