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In most parts of the world people are living longer What are the possible causes of this situation Is this a negative or positive development v. 1

In most parts of the world people are living longer What are the possible causes of this situation Is this a negative or positive development v. 1 NrVYq
Is easy to understand how our healthcare had been improve since the twenty century. This positive situation allows people to life better and longer, so there are a lot elderly that need many attentions to survive and be happy. To ensure that condition to more people, many people had been hired new type of jobs, as caregiver. On another hand this situation took the retirement age to increase, many young people have more problem to find a job because the elderly works for many years today. As younger, I believed the old people should works as long as they reach a specific age, which change by works to works, as now; But to increase the hiring of young people, the state must give bonus on the taxes to the companies that give work to the new workers. However, the old people cost a lot to the state, in fact, to ensure their caregivers and some money to them; we paid a lot of contribute, so more elderly that do not work means more taxes.
Is easy to understand how our healthcare had been
Consider using a past participle here: "improved".
improve
since the twenty century. This
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
situation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to life better and longer,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
there are a lot elderly that need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
attentions to survive and be happy. To ensure that condition to more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
had
been hired
new type of jobs, as caregiver. On another hand this situation took the retirement age to increase,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have more problem to find a job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the elderly works for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. As younger, I believed the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should works as long as they reach a specific age, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
by works to works, as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
to increase the hiring of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the state
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
give bonus on the taxes to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
that give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to the new workers.
However
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cost a lot to the state, in fact, to ensure their caregivers and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money to them; we paid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
contribute,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
more elderly that do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
means more taxes.
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IELTS essay In most parts of the world people are living longer What are the possible causes of this situation Is this a negative or positive development v. 1

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
174 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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