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In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with family, friends, and colleagues are more important than work and wealth. Do you agree or disagree with this?

The increasing pressures of today’s money-driven world can often cause people to gravitate towards material items. However, true personal happiness is rarely achieved through professional endeavors or wealth. Although these things may be nice extras, I agree that healthy relationships with family, friends and colleagues are the true keys to personal happiness. This will be shown by analyzing the often lonely lives of many wealthy celebrities as well as the advice of older people who speak from experience. Firstly, the lives of wealthy celebrities often illustrate that money cannot buy happiness. For example, many tremendously wealthy pop icons, such as Robbie Williams and Kirsten Dunst, suffer from debilitating depression often linked to extraordinary lifestyles that make it difficult to maintain friendships. As such instances show, money cannot be labelled an infallible precursor to happiness. The manner in which it often isolates people suggests that human interaction in the form of family and friendships is much more likely than money to be at the foundation of lasting happiness in life. The advice from many older people regularly reiterates this. For example, all four of my grandparents claim their relationships with family and friends are the experiences that brought them the greatest happiness in their lives. As this is a common viewpoint among the aged of all countries and cultures, and because the aged simply have more experience with life, such an opinion needs to be given precedence when discussing this topic. Thus, human relationships are much more likely to be precursors to personal happiness than money or professional pursuits. As seen above, professional success and wealth cannot buy true happiness and this is a realization that all too often comes in old age. This essay has shown that the health of relationships with family, friends and colleagues is the genuine catalyst to lasting happiness. Thus, keeping in touch with people is much more than just a courtesy.
The increasing pressures of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s money-driven world can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
cause
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people


to gravitate towards material items.
However
, true personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is rarely

achieved through professional endeavors or wealth. Although these things may be

nice extras, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, friends and colleagues

are the true keys to personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. This will
be shown
by analyzing the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often


lonely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
wealthy celebrities
as well
as the advice of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who

speak from experience.

Firstly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of wealthy celebrities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
illustrate that money cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
happiness.

For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
tremendously
wealthy pop icons, such as Robbie Williams

and Kirsten
Possible spelling mistake found.
Dunst
, suffer from debilitating depression
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
linked to extraordinary

lifestyles that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it difficult to maintain friendships. As such instances
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
,

money cannot
be labelled
an infallible precursor to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. The manner in which

it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
isolates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
suggests
that human interaction in the form of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and

friendships is much more likely than money to be at the foundation of lasting happiness

in life.

The advice from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
regularly
reiterates this.
For example
, all four of

my grandparents claim their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and friends are the experiences

that brought them the greatest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. As this is a common

viewpoint among the aged of all countries and cultures, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the aged
simply


have more experience with life, such an opinion needs to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
precedence when

discussing this topic.
Thus
, human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
are much more likely to be precursors

to personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
than money or professional pursuits.

As
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
above, professional success and wealth cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
true
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
and this

is a realization that all too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age. This essay has shown that the

health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, friends and colleagues is the genuine catalyst

to lasting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
Thus
, keeping in touch with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
much more than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a

courtesy.
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IELTS essay In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with family, friends, and colleagues are more important than work and wealth. with this?

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
316 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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