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Figures show that some countries have an increasing proportion of the population who are aged 60 or older. What do you think the effects of this may be?

Figures show that some countries have an increasing proportion of the population who are aged 60 or older. What do you think the effects of this may be? ARYe
As the figures have shown, some countries have an increasing proportion of the population that are aged over 60; and it can lead to a various number of effects and impacts, both positive and negative. These are many advantages when a country has a large number of old people. Since they have been living for a great period of time, they are knowledgeable, which can be a great source of knowledge which can be passed to the younger generation. Furthermore, they are experienced due to their long-life experiences, hence they can make many wise decisions from political, economic to agriculture. On the other hand, there is no concern that there are many negative impacts due to the great proportion of the population that belongs to older generation that a country has. First of all, the more aged people there are, the less youngsters a country will have. This will lead to lack of workers to produce in many careers, therefore there will be a shortage in products in a country, which will lead to higher product prices and increase poverty in a country. Secondly, the older generation, since they don’t attend the production of a country, will be a burden for a country’s economic since the government has to use their money to take care of them. This will lead to increasing tax and declination in welfare. Last but not least, population aging has been a problem that impact every sides of a country; and therefore, the country will have to rely on the small proportion of younger population. Let’s take Japan for an example, this country has many aged people and despite their technological success, yet their economical still rely on the small proportions of youngsters. This has led to stress and depression in younger generation, many even committed suicide. In conclusion, despite the undeniable positive effects, yet the negative impacts are too great to be left unconcerned. In a nutshell, an increasing proportion of the population will leave more cons than advs; therefore, a country should try their best to reach a balanced proportion between generation
As the figures have shown,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have an increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
that
are aged
over 60; and it can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to a various number of effects and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
impacts
, both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.

These are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
has
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Since they have been living for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
period of time, they are knowledgeable, which can be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
source of knowledge which can
be passed
to the younger generation.
Furthermore
, they
are experienced
due to their long-life experiences,
hence
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
wise decisions from political, economic to agriculture.

On the other hand
, there is no concern that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
impacts
due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
that belongs to older generation that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
has.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the more aged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
there are, the
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun youngsters is countable.
less
youngsters a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will have. This will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to lack of workers to produce in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
careers,
therefore
there will be a shortage in products in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, which will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to higher product prices and increase poverty in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Secondly
, the older generation, since they don’t attend the production of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, will be a burden for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
economic since the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their money to take care of them. This will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to increasing tax and declination in welfare. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
aging has been a problem that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
impact
every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "side"?
sides
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
; and
therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
rely on the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
’s take Japan for an example, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and despite their technological success,
yet
their economical
still
rely on the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
proportions of youngsters. This has led to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and depression in younger generation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
even committed suicide.

In conclusion
, despite the undeniable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects,
yet
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
impacts
are too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
unconcerned. In a nutshell, an increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
more cons than
Possible spelling mistake found.
advs
;
therefore
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
should try their best to reach a balanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
between
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
generation
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IELTS essay Figures show that some countries have an increasing proportion of the population who are aged 60 or older. What do you think the effects of this may be?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
347 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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