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Failure is a proof that the desire wasn't strong enough. To what extent do you agree?

Failure is a proof that the desire wasn't strong enough. p9ay
It is thought by some that failure is a evidence that your desire wasn't that powerful. I agree with this statement to a large degree. However, failure can also be taken as a pillar of success. Firstly, many people think that a person becomes a failure due to insufficient desire but some people may also fail due to the lack of confidence and knowledge they require to become successful. in other words, many people try hard and yearn for the success but due to the lack of knowledge and skills they often end being a failure. determination is the key to the success but along with the determination you require hard work, patience and different skills to achieve success. for instance, you are determined to get a job but if you lack skills and knowledge to get that job then you'll definitely end up being a failure. one the other hand, one can face failure due to the lack of determination he has to reach his goals. To get success in any field you must have a strong desire and will power because if you don't have the desire to achieve a success then you'll never be a successful person. for instance, if you are not deter
It is
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thought
by
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some
that
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failure
is
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
evidence that your
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desire
wasn't that powerful. I
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agree
with this statement to a large degree.
However
,
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failure
can
also
be taken
as a pillar of
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success
.
Firstly
,
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many
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people
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think
that a person becomes a
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failure
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due
to insufficient
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desire
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but
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some
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people
may
also
fail
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due
to the
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lack
of confidence and knowledge they require
Did you mean "becoming"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'require' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to become
successful.
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in
other words,
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many
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people
try
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hard
and yearn for the
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success
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but
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due
to the
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lack
of knowledge and
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skills
they
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often
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end
being a
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failure
.
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determination
is the key to the
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success
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but
along with the determination you require
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hard
work, patience and
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different
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skills
to achieve
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success
.
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for
instance, you
are determined
to
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get
a job
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but
if you
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lack
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skills
and knowledge to
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get
that job then you'll definitely
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end
up being a
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failure
.
Did you mean "on"?
one
the other hand, one can face
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failure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to the
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lack
of determination he
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has to
reach his goals. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
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success
in any field you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have a strong
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desire
and will power
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
if you don't have the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
desire
to achieve a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
then you'll never be a successful person.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
for
instance, if you are not
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
deter
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IELTS essay Failure is a proof that the desire wasn't strong enough.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
206 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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