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Convinience foods will become increasingly prevalent and eventually replace traditional foods and traditional methods of food preparation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.1

Convinience foods will become increasingly prevalent and eventually replace traditional foods and traditional methods of food preparation. with this opinion? v. 1
In the world, there are many people who prefer eating so much junk food and having health problems from it. It is often argued that the government should increase the tax fee on that type of meal. I completely agree with this statement and shall give my reasons below. First of all, I think that authority should raise the prices of unhealthy foodstuff. Even if the costs get expensive, the people will not effort to pay for it and they will be obligated to buy another meal. While it is cheap it attracts people's attention. For example, in a small region of Sweden government decided to do an experiment in this area and climbed the fast food's fee, so they observed how people change their taste and began to eat healthier. That is why it is possible to deal with this problem in this way. On the other hand, the state should punish those restaurants and require to not sell junks. If they cook a healthy dish instead of an unhealthy meal when a person is hungry and comes there for eating so then he or she shall have to order it. For instance, most of the villages in my country there are not many fast cooking places and citizens eat healthy food mostly, so they have stronger body than big city's population. Thus, it is crucial to not ignore this issue. To conclude, I believe that for reducing the amount of people who has health problems of eating too much snacks, governments have to impose a huge tax on this kind of meal and should abuse the restaurants which sell fast dish.
In the world, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who prefer eating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much junk food and having health problems from it. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should increase the tax fee on that type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meal
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement and shall give my reasons below.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that authority should raise the prices of unhealthy foodstuff. Even if the costs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
expensive, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will not effort to pay for
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
it and
they will
be obligated
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meal
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
it attracts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's attention.
For example
, in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
region of Sweden
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
decided to do an experiment in this area and climbed the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food's fee,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they observed how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their taste and began to eat healthier.
That is
why it is possible to deal with this problem in this way.

On the other hand
, the state should punish those restaurants and require to not sell junks. If they cook a healthy dish
instead
of an unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meal
when a person is hungry and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
there for eating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
then he or she shall
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
order it.
For instance
, most of the villages in my country there are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
cooking places and citizens eat healthy food
mostly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they have stronger body than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
city's population.
Thus
, it is crucial to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
this issue.

To conclude
, I believe that for reducing the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who has health problems of eating too
Use "many" with countable nouns.
much
snacks,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
impose a huge tax on this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meal
and should abuse the restaurants which sell
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
dish.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The joy of knowing a foreign language is inexpressible. I find it really difficult to express such joy in my mother tongue.
Munia Khan

IELTS essay Convinience foods will become increasingly prevalent and eventually replace traditional foods and traditional methods of food preparation. with this opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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