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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large no. of young adults compared with the no. of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large no. of young adults compared with the no. of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? YL2Pj
Nowadays, the populace of many nations constitutes a comparatively greater number of young people rather than elderly citizens. This scienario has both positive and negative outcomes and this essay will analyse how the advantages exceed the disadvantage in detail. It is considered a few downfalls are having the younger generation on a large scale. In the job sector, the employer will be lost hands-on experience from the job seekers while hiring an interview or selecting a candidate for a particular post. Although most of the young grown-ups are skilful in their profession they do not possess any work experience. This often results in difficulty in finding a reputed profession. For instance, a recent survey conducted by Delhi university showed that most multinational corporations have preferred to hire employees with a minimum of two years of experience rather than new graduates. On the other hand, the positives of having many young citizens are countless. Primarily a nation's progress is directly proportional to the number of the young working force. In other words, when the proportion of the young working population is increased that eventually resulted in the growth in the national revenue. Taking Singapore as an example. About 60% of the country's people comprise young professionals which adding two-third of the national economy. Secondly, the elderly can be supported by a young family member who is having a high salaried job. Hence, the senior person could enjoy the rest of their life without any burden and family responsibility. In western countries such as England and the USA, people begin to work independently from a young age that allows them to relax in their late adulthood. In conclusion, while more young people result in a lack of job experience the positives of boosting the national economy and supporting the elderly outweigh its downsides. ,
Nowadays, the populace of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations constitutes a
comparatively
greater number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
rather
than elderly citizens. This
Possible spelling mistake found.
scienario
has both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
outcomes and this essay will
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
how the advantages exceed the disadvantage in detail.

It
is considered
a few downfalls are having the younger generation on a large scale. In the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
sector, the employer will
be lost
hands-on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
seekers while hiring an interview or selecting a candidate for a particular post.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
grown-ups are
Possible spelling mistake. 'skilful' is British English.
skilful
in their profession they do not possess any work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
. This
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
results in difficulty in finding a reputed profession.
For instance
, a recent survey conducted by Delhi university
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that most multinational corporations have preferred to hire employees with a minimum of two years of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
rather
than new graduates.

On the other hand
, the positives of having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
citizens are countless.
Primarily
a nation's progress is
directly
proportional to the number of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
working force.
In other words
, when the proportion of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
working population
is increased
that
eventually
resulted in the growth in the national revenue. Taking Singapore as an example. About 60% of the country's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
comprise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
professionals which adding two-third of the national economy.
Secondly
, the elderly can
be supported
by a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
family member who is having a high salaried
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Hence
, the senior person could enjoy the rest of their life without any burden and family responsibility. In western countries such as England and the USA,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to work
The usual collocation for "independently" is "of" not "from". Did you mean "independently of"?
independently from
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
age that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to relax in their late adulthood.

In conclusion
, while more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
result in a lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
the positives of boosting the national economy and supporting the elderly outweigh its downsides.
Loose punctuation mark.
,
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IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large no. of young adults compared with the no. of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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