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All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school. BGWp
Some people think that students should be required to study art and music in secondary school but others believe that all students should not be required to study art and music in secondary school. As far as I am concerned I totally agree that all students should be required to study art and music in secondary school because of the following reasons. First of all, music and art help people to be creative. So students can develop this quality during their lessons at school. They will be able to study new things and practice new skills. For example, some of them will learn how to play musical instrument while others will learn how to make sculptures and paint pictures. Moreover, they can visit different art galleries, museums and concert halls during such lessons. Second reason, nowadays, all students are very busy and they need relaxion, good music can help people to relax and forget about all their problems and troubles. Everyone gets a great satisfaction from listening to music. Third, music and art broadened our horizon. We can learn a lot of new things about foreign countries and historical periods. If we want to be intelligent and well-educated we have to study history of art. All in all, but from my point of view all students should be required to study art and music at school. This knowledge broadens out student's horizon, help young people to relax and enjoy their lives and makes new generation creative people.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
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people
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think
that
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students
should be
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required
to
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study
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art
and
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music
in secondary
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school
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but
others believe that all
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students
should not be
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required
to
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study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
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music
in secondary
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school
. As far as I
am concerned
I
totally
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agree
that all
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students
should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
required
to
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study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
in secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the following reasons.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
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music
and
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art
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help
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people
to be creative.
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So
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students
can develop this quality during their lessons at
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school
. They will be able to
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study
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new
things and practice
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new
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skills
.
For example
,
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some
of them will learn how to play musical instrument while others will learn how to
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make
sculptures and paint pictures.
Moreover
, they can visit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
galleries, museums and concert halls during such lessons.

Second reason, nowadays, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are
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very
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
busy and
they need
Possible spelling mistake found.
relaxion
,
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good
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music
can
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help
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people
to relax and forget about all their problems and troubles. Everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
a great satisfaction from listening to music.

Third,
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music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
broadened our horizon. We can learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things about foreign countries and historical periods. If we want to be intelligent and well-educated we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
history of art.

All in all,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
from my point of view all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
required
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
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music
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. This knowledge broadens out student's horizon,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to relax and enjoy their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
generation creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
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IELTS essay All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
247 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
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