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06. There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays? v.1

06. There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays? v. 1
Music plays an important part among people’s life for many reasons, varies with many styles and voices from all over the world, includes traditional and international types. In my opinion, the local brand matters more than the industrial international one. Melody accompanies with us throughout our lives. When we were young, we were taught with basic and easy-to-remember songs by teachers and parents as a mean of learning a language, or for entertainments. For instance, children can gather around the room and sing delightful and meaningful pieces of music, which creates connections between them and adults. As people move to an older period, music ranges from indies to pop, rock music, which is suitable for certain types of stereotypes of people and reliefs us out of anxiety. Melodies touch hearts and make differences in our worlds; therefore, people cannot live without music. From my perspective, traditional tones have to be noticed over the popular international. It is a fact that pop genre is catchy and fun, but its value only stops at the market and can be sold to records’ companies. Traditional voices, on the other hand, can express the culture, traditions and history of a music. Whenever I listen to Vietnamese folk melodies, my brain produces great chemical reactions that purify my heart, connect me to my culture and make me feel proud of my identity. In conclusion, music is an exceptional beautiful language for human and traditional melodies should give more notice than the international-branded music.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons, varies with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
styles and voices from all over the world, includes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
and international types. In my opinion, the local brand matters more than the industrial international one.

Melody
The usual collocation for "accompany" is "by," not "with." It is better to say this: "accompanies by".
accompanies with
us throughout our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. When we were young, we
were taught
with basic and easy-to-remember songs by teachers and parents as a mean of learning a language, or for entertainments.
For instance
, children can gather around the room and sing delightful and meaningful pieces of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, which creates connections between them and adults. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to an older period,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
ranges from indies to pop, rock
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, which is suitable for certain types of stereotypes of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and reliefs us out of anxiety. Melodies touch hearts and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
differences in our worlds;
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
without music.

From my perspective,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
tones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be noticed
over the popular international. It is a fact that pop genre is catchy and fun,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
its value
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stops
at the market and can
be sold
to records’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Traditional
voices,
on the other hand
, can express the culture, traditions and history of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. Whenever I listen to Vietnamese folk melodies, my brain produces great chemical reactions that purify my heart, connect me to my culture and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
me feel proud of my identity.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is an exceptional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
language for human and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
melodies should give more notice than the international-branded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay 06. There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
248 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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