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visitors to the local Cinema by age

visitors to the local Cinema by age l7G21
The given pie chart illustrates the percentage of people visiting a cinema dividing in five age categories in the last 12 months. The overview of the chart shows that people between 35 to 54 years old where is the most visitors to the cinema. Consequently, young people ages from 5 to 14 years were less often visit the local cinema. The adults from 35 to 54 were is the largest group of visitors in the last year by about 51% of the total visitors. The oldest group with age 55 and above record the same percentage as the adults from 15 to 24 years old. Only 12% are made up by adults between 25 to 34 years. less percentage was only 5% recorded by the young people from age of 5 to 14 years. To sum up we could say that young people from age 5 to 14 years are less common age which visits the cinema last year.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
pie chart illustrates the percentage of
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people
visiting a cinema dividing in five
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age
categories in the last 12 months.

The overview of the chart
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shows
that
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people
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 35 and 54".
between 35 to 54
years
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old
where is the most visitors to the cinema.

Consequently
, young
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people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
ages
from 5 to 14 years were less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
visit the local cinema.

The adults from 35 to 54 were is the largest group of visitors in the last
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year
by about 51% of the total visitors. The oldest group with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
55 and above record the same percentage as the adults from 15 to 24 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
12%
are made
up by adults
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 25 and 34".
between 25 to 34
years.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
less
percentage was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
5% recorded by the young
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people
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 5 to 14 years. To sum up we could say that young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
5 to 14 years are less common
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age
which visits the cinema last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
.
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IELTS academic visitors to the local Cinema by age

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
159 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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