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Urbanization rate in Indonesia and South Korea

Urbanization rate in Indonesia and South Korea qa6nD
The line chart illustrates the urbanization rate in these two Asian countries, namely South Korea and Indonesia, from 1969 to 2009. Over this whole period, both nations witnessed an upward trend in the level of urbanization. The rate in South Korea was considerably greater and increased more rapidly than Indonesia, indicating the significant development of this country. Regarding Indonesia in detail, at the beginning, the rate was just under 20%, and basically remained in the first ten years. From 1979 to 1999, it rose slightly to approximately 30%. The urbanization rate then witnessed a sharper increase, peaking at nearly 50% in 2009. As for South Korea, the level begins at 30%, which is marginally higher than Indonesia. It rose dramatically throughout the next thirty years, reaching a peak to just above 80% in 2005, which is two-times higher than Indonesia at the same time. It the last five years the rate remained unchanged - the only period of relative stability in the entire fifty years.
The line chart illustrates the urbanization
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
in these two Asian countries,
namely
South Korea and Indonesia, from 1969 to 2009.

Over this whole period, both nations witnessed an upward trend in the level of urbanization. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
in South Korea was
considerably
greater and increased more
rapidly
than Indonesia, indicating the significant development of this country.

Regarding Indonesia in detail, at the beginning, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under 20%, and
basically
remained in the
first
ten years. From 1979 to 1999, it rose
slightly
to approximately 30%. The urbanization
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
then witnessed a sharper increase, peaking at
nearly
50% in 2009.

As for South Korea, the level
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
at 30%, which is
marginally
higher than Indonesia. It rose
dramatically
throughout the
next
thirty years, reaching a peak to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
above 80% in 2005, which is two-times higher than Indonesia at the same time. It the last five years the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
remained unchanged
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
period of relative stability in the entire fifty years.
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IELTS academic Urbanization rate in Indonesia and South Korea

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
165 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
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Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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