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Time schoolchildren spend on different home activities

Time schoolchildren spend on different home activities KWmq9
The graph illustrates how many hours per week have 10-11 year- aged children spent on watching TV and Computer over the past few years. It is clear that school children were more addicted to TV programmes between 2000 and 2003, spending their 21 hours per week. Then this figure dipped considerably, reaching 15 hours per week by 2004. Since then, after slight fluctuation, it has remained constant by now. However, computer use by schoolchildren was in low level in 2000, spending only for three hours per week. But there was a significant growth until 2004, reached 15 hours per week and has been keeping its considerable increase untill now. It can easily be seen that curiosity to computers is higher than to watching TV nowadays.
The graph illustrates how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
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hours
per
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week
have 10-11 year- aged children spent on watching TV and Computer over the past few years.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that school children were more addicted to TV
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
between 2000 and 2003, spending their 21
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hours
per
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week
. Then this figure dipped
considerably
, reaching 15
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hours
per
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week
by 2004. Since then, after slight fluctuation, it has remained constant by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

However
, computer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
by schoolchildren was in low level in 2000, spending
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only
for three
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hours
per
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
week
.
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But
there was a significant growth until 2004, reached 15
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hours
per
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
week
and has been keeping its considerable increase
Possible spelling mistake found.
untill
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

It can
easily
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that curiosity to computers is higher than to watching TV nowadays.
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IELTS academic Time schoolchildren spend on different home activities

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
125 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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