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the table below shows the participation of people over 15 in selected sports and physical recreation activities by gender in Australia during the period 2011-12.

the table below shows the participation of people over 15 in selected sports and physical recreation activities by gender in Australia during the period 2011-12. DNKN7
The provided table gives information about the proportion of people who was over 15 years old taking part in different sports and physical recreation activities in both sexes in Australia from 2011 to 2012. Overall, it is clear that the proportion of both gender in different activities varied drammatically. Walking for exercise was considered as the most physical recreation activity in both sexes but the percentage of boys took part in walking for exercise which was a half that compared to the figure for girls with 16. 5 percent for males and 30. 4 percent for females respectively. Following close behind was fitness and gym that accounted for 15. 1 percent by boys and 19. 1 percent by girls. Moreover, nearly twice as many men as women cyling/BMXing with 9. 8 percent by males and 5. 4 percent by females. Then, the proportion of boys and girls participated in jogging/BMXing with 8. 7 percent and 6. 4 percent respectively. A smaller percentage of men than women went swimming/Diving with 7. 5 percent and 8. 0 percent respectively, while tennis was one the least popular activities overall with 4. 9 percent for men and 3. 4 percent for women. Interestingly, Both netball and yoga could be labeled as activities for girls with 4. 5 percent and 3. 3 percent respectively, while no men participated. Furthermore, a big percentage of men played golf with 8. 4 percent and a small proportion of men played football and basketball with 4. 1percent and 2. 8 percent respectively, while no women participated.
The provided table gives information about the
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proportion
of
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people
who was over 15 years
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old
taking part in
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different
sports and physical recreation
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activities
in both sexes in Australia from 2011 to 2012.

Overall
, it is
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clear
that the
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proportion
of both gender in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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activities
varied
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drammatically
.

Walking for exercise
was considered
as the most physical recreation
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activity
in both sexes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the percentage of boys
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
took part
in walking for exercise which was a half that compared to the figure for
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girls
with 16. 5
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percent
for males and 30. 4
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percent
for females
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respectively
. Following close behind was fitness and gym that accounted for 15. 1
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percent
by boys and 19. 1
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percent
by
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girls
.
Moreover
,
nearly
twice as
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many
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men
as
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women
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cyling
/
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BMXing
with 9. 8
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percent
by males and 5. 4
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percent
by females. Then, the
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proportion
of boys and
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girls
participated in jogging/
Possible spelling mistake found.
BMXing
with 8. 7
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percent
and 6. 4
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percent
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respectively
. A smaller percentage of
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men
than
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women
went swimming/Diving with 7. 5
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percent
and 8. 0
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percent
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respectively
, while tennis was
Did you mean "one of"?
one
the least popular
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activities
overall
with 4. 9
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percent
for
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men
and 3. 4
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percent
for
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women
.
Interestingly
, Both netball and yoga could
be labeled
as
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activities
for
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girls
with 4. 5
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percent
and 3. 3
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percent
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respectively
, while no
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men
participated.
Furthermore
, a
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big
percentage of
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men
played golf with 8. 4
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percent
and a
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small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of
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men
played football and basketball with 4.
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1percent
and 2. 8
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percent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
respectively
, while no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
participated.
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IELTS academic the table below shows the participation of people over 15 in selected sports and physical recreation activities by gender in Australia during the period 2011-12.

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
257 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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