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The proportion of Australian people who did daily-basis physical activities

The proportion of Australian people who did daily-basis physical activities p1wg2
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of Australian people who did daily-basis physical activities by age and gender group in a single year (2010). Overall, it is evident that the people doing regular activities were predominantly females, whereas lots of the young males did those. According to the females, from the 34-year-old to the 64-year-old did trainings in a regular basis (52. 5%, 53. 3% and 53 in terms of age groups respectively). The rates for the women over 65 were almost equal to that for men (46. 7% and 47. 1% accordingly). By the gender group of males, their percentages were much less than females. After being aged 25, men didn't show more interest for doing daily physical activities as well as women. They underwent the lowest proportion, at 39. 5%, when they were between 35 and 44.
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of Australian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who did daily-basis physical activities by age and gender group in a single year (2010).

Overall
, it is evident that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
doing regular activities were
predominantly
females, whereas lots of the young males did those.

According to the females, from the 34-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
to the 64-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
did trainings in a regular basis (52. 5%, 53. 3% and 53 in terms of age groups
respectively
). The rates for the women over 65 were almost equal to that for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
(46. 7% and 47. 1%
accordingly
).

By the gender group of males, their percentages were much less than females. After
being aged
25,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
didn't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
more interest for doing daily physical activities
as well
as women. They underwent the lowest proportion, at 39. 5%, when they were between 35 and 44.
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IELTS academic The proportion of Australian people who did daily-basis physical activities

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
139 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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