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The pie charts illustrated the percentage of three nutrients in typical diets in the USA

The pie charts illustrated the percentage of three nutrients in typical diets in the USA aJokd
The pie charts indicated that the mean proportions of sodium, saturated fat and added sugar in the American daily diets. The excessive consumption of these three nutritional elements is prone to pose threat to human health status. The figure of sodium consumed in dinner account for 43%, which was considerably higher than the corresponding figures of 29% for lunch. Furthermore, the amount of sodium absorbed by people in breakfast as same as that in snacks (14%), both of which are much less than that in dinner. Similarly, citizens also take largest percentage of saturated fat from their evening meal (37%). Which is more than two times as much as that in breakfast, the lowest one. In terms of another indispensable carbohydrate---sugar, the data represents quite different from sodium and fat. First of all, the ordinary people used to acquire 42% of the sugar from the sweet snacks rather than dinner (only 23%). In addition, the intakes of sugar in breakfast and lunch were lower than half of that in snacks. Collectively, the dinner supplemented the most proportions of sodium and saturated fat to the urbanites, while the predominant amount of sugar supporting daily life is attained from the snacks.
The pie charts indicated that the mean proportions of sodium, saturated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fat
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
in the American daily diets. The excessive consumption of these three nutritional elements is prone to pose threat to human health status.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
figure of sodium consumed in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dinner
account for 43%, which was
considerably
higher than the corresponding figures of 29% for lunch.
Furthermore
, the amount of sodium absorbed by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in breakfast as same as that in snacks (14%), both of which are much less than that in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dinner
.
Similarly
, citizens
also
take
A determiner is probably missing here: "the largest".
largest
percentage of saturated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fat
from their evening meal (37%). Which is more than two times as much as that in breakfast, the lowest one.

In terms of another indispensable carbohydrate---sugar, the data represents quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from sodium and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fat
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the ordinary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to acquire 42% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
from the sweet snacks
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dinner
(
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
23%).
In addition
, the intakes of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
in breakfast and lunch were lower than half of that in snacks.

Collectively
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dinner
supplemented the most proportions of sodium and saturated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fat
to the urbanites, while the predominant amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
supporting daily life
is attained
from the snacks.
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IELTS academic The pie charts illustrated the percentage of three nutrients in typical diets in the USA

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
199 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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